Ding Dong Bin Laden's Dead

America! FUCK YEAH!

Hello My Children. Your Den Mother here is very proud to be an American today. And as a New Yorker, this news is doubly awesome. Osama Bin Laden has finally been taken down. Multiple shots to the head, specifically, thanks to a covert ops by Navy Seals.

Amia says: Thanks Navy Seals!

As mentioned, I'm a New Yorker. My parents both grew up in the city -one in Washington Heights, the other in Inwood. So as jubilant as the nation is, this news is even more dear to us residents. On 9/11, I went to school to find a television in the hall of the social science building broadcasting the images that are forever burned in my memory. I remember the sheer number of cell phones that were out as children desperately tried to reach their family members. I remember the ballerina who screamed as the second tower came down -incidentally, she lost both her parents in the attack. My cousin worked at the World Trade Center -not in the towers but the building across the street. For those who don't know the WTC is made up of a compound of buildings, not just the towers. She was one of those people you saw running away from the towers, covered in debris. One of my other cousins is a stock broker and lost a lot of friends, including his closet friend and the best man at his wedding. My brother, a brick mason who works down in the City, saw the planes fly overhead. He walked almost 100 blocks to get to my grandmother's apartment to stay for the night, as all the bridges and trains were shut down. For the rest of the world, it was something to watch on TV in horror. For New York, it was our reality.

I want to say this: I am not proud of the direction this country took in the war on terror. Bush was out of line taking on Hussein when he had no involvement. It was appalling that trillions of dollars were spent on Iraq, but they couldn't even get the man who began it all. But today that wound can finally heal.

I give my heartfelt thanks to the team who conducted the raid. I Thank You. New York Thanks You.

And because this ended up being so damn serious I must leave on a light note. This song, a children's song no less, seems weirdly appropriate for the occasion. Its so damn infectious, I find it impossible to be in a bad mood after hearing it.

My babysitting job, Cecilia, loves this song by the way.

PS: Best thing I found on internet regarding Bin Laden killing... From Texts from Last Night. Very appropriate btw since it pretty much includes everything Muslim Extremists hate.

"Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told Mommy that Bin Laden was dead."

America. Fuck Yeah.

Hmm I'm not completely shallow.

No really, I'm not!

Hello my Children. Your den mother here to discuss the topic of attraction. I'm sure at least one of you blinked when you realized a FEMALE is writing this post... Anyway, Attraction is that indefinable thing that makes a guy/girl/both drool over some other guy/girl/both. I've been thinking about this topic lately because a) I'm married not dead, b) James posted an awesome picture of Amy Pond, c) it pertains to the entire human race, and d) many celebrities I've mentioned have ended up on TTOS sidebar. What interests me is that I'm pretty fucking shallow when it comes to the females I wish to bend over a table but that I find myself attracted to the odd looking guys rather than the classically handsome dudes. And I found the thread that links them altogether... they are all assholes, at least on some level. So follow me as we delve into pictures of those who I would like to kidnap and keep tied in a dungeon, along with quotes that will give you a clue into their personality...if you care.

Meet Dave Hewlett aka Rodney McKay. He once called Colonel Samantha Carter of SG-1 "a dumb blonde." Seriously, he did. He more or less defines "snarky." Here are some quotes!

1) Using power...using power...using power (referring to the dwindling power supply on Atlantis)

2) Yes, if only we had a magical device that could slow time down. I foolishly left mine on Earth...Did you bring yours?

3) You just can't resist bringing up the fact that I once destroyed a couple of planets, can you?

4) We're building nuclear bombs, staying awake is sort of a prerequisite.

5) M7R-227 you were a constant pain in the ass, its good to see you go!" (As he deletes the replicator planet from the map)

6) I'm Doctor Rodney McKay alright? Difficult takes a few seconds, impossible, a few minutes.

And finally my favorite exchange between Rodney and Sam Carter...

Carter: So what? We call Anubis and ask him to stop? (Anubis is making the stargate overload)

McKay: Yeah, "Hey Anubis, this is your agent, you're playing it way over the top, can you get serious please?"

McKay is balding and kinda chubby...but I would choose him over Sheppard or Ronan hands down! Oh and he gets Kaley! (Or the character Jewel Staite plays on Stargate Atlantis anyway)

Colin Morgan as Merlin... EARS. That's all that needs to be said about what keeps this actor from being a mind-numbing hottie. The character is generally a likeable fellow but MAN can he get his snark on.

1) Look, I've told you you were an ass. I just didn't realize you were a royal one. (An early exchange with Arthur)

2) There must be another Arthur because this one is an idiot. (After Dragon told him that he was destined to help Arthur become a great king etc etc)

3)I think you are mad. I think you are all mad. People should marry for love, not for convenience. And if Uther thinks an unhappy king makes for a stronger kingdom then he is wrong, because you may be destined to rule Camelot but you have a choice...as to how you do it.

4) Gaius: Are you not fond of crypts? Merlin: I wouldn't be seen dead anywhere else.

5) Arthur: What the hell are you doing here? Merlin: Why can you never just say thanks?

6) Merlin (while aged): And YOU! I've heard how you mistreat your servants. They do everything for you but they don't have any thanks. You're an arrogant prat, with the brain of a donkey, and the face of a toad! (Taking the opportunity to dig into Arthur)

He's the least assholish of the group. But he does know how to dish it out when vexed...

Jonathon Strong as Nicola Tesla on Sanctuary...Between his forehead and his teeth this guy will never be nominated for the 50 most beautiful people. But he's a genius and a vampire...was a vampire...now Magneto-like...and apparently will be a vampire again this season. YAY! So salute Sanctuary's chief asshole and world dominator wannabe!

1) Helen Magnus. Kiss me and I'll save your life.

2) My God, you look sexy with a gun. (to Magnus)

3) Your shaggy friend is still refusing treatment, and frankly, I'm insulted.

4) Which part of "I'm a genius" aren't you getting?

5) Well, well, well, the appetizers have arrived.

6) I've often wondered what this moment would be like. Me. You, tied up. It's a shame you brought the children. (Take a wild guess who Tesla is saying this to!)

And one of my favorite exchanges...interestingly NOT between Tesla and Magnus though.

Tesla: Drink?

Will Z: No, thanks

Tesla: Oh, Come on. "Shoot Your Employee Day" comes but once a year. Lighten up, you did what you had to do. Magnus woulda done the same thing.

Will Z: Really? You really think so?

Tesla: Oh, absolutely. Magnus has shot me more times than I can count.

Will Z: Yeah, well, that's you.

Tesla: You're right, bad example...

Anyway, Robin Dunne is very pretty and I enjoy him being without a shirt. But Tesla had me at "MY GOD, you look sexy with a gun." Go Forehead!

Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock...on Sherlock. His face is too long. His forehead is even more epic than Tesla's...and he may actually be paler than ME. And I'm so white I'm translucent. But he sounds like Alan Rickman and he has possibly the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen... and he's SHERLOCK. A notorious misanthrope in the book serious, here he's a fucking sociopath. So he might be the biggest asshole of the group...

1) Watson: Why didn't I think of that? Sherlock: Because you are an idiot. Don't look at me like that, practically everbody is.

2) We've got ourselves a serial killer. Love those -there's always something to look forward to.

3) Brilliant! Yes! Oh, 4 serial suicides and now a note. Oh its Christmas.

4) (to Mycroft) Try not to start a war before I get home -you know what it does to traffic.

5) J. Moriarty: If you don't stop prying...I'll burn you. I'll burn the heart out of you.

Holmes: I have been reliably informed that I don't have one.

-Oh Moriarty and Holmes in the 21st century: Battle of the Sociopaths, anyone?

Whereas when it comes to females I would bang...although they are often also snarky, they are also all HOT... I think pictures are all that is required here... :)

Amanda Tapping. Her characters on both Stargate and Sanctuary are brilliant. No really. But mostly... Hot damn! I will NEVER get tired of this image!

Amia Moretti. She's in porn. I'm not overly interested in her wit, sorry to say.

Karen Gillan. 11's Companion. Lucky Bastard. (Thanks for the pic, James!)

Eliza Dushku. Faith, Gotta Have. Oh and the Mormons would have a much easier time gaining new followers if SHE went door to door.

Cote De Pablo. Her character on NCIS, Ziva Davide, probably could kill you with a paperclip. But would you complain with THAT ASS!?! Also, she is so cute when she messes up American idioms on the show.

Pauley Perrette. Absolutely Adorable Abby also on NCIS. The single most cheerful goth in existance. And also a great tattoo right???

So I hope you enjoyed snark and hot babes. Have a nice night.

Goal. Reached.

Hello My Children. Your den mother Colleen feels like doing a bit of bragging. As many of you know, I am often quite ill. Due to an excessively annoying condition, I have to take an immuno-suppressant medication that turns me into a candidate for one of those damn bubbles...well not really, but it does make me susceptible to fucking EVERYTHING. Most epically, was the case of Bronchitis that took 4 FUCKING MONTHS to completely clear up.

However, there was also a gleaming wonderful side benefit. It is an appetite suppressant. And due to repeated use of Prednisone, for the same annoying condition, I had gained a significant amount of weight between 2008 and 2009. Then I was put on this new medication in Oct. 2009. Although the first two months I was on this medication sucked beyond suckiness it also cut my appetite down to MORE than half. When I realized I had lost 20 lbs in less than two months, I decided HEY lets see if I can get down to my high school weight.

I. have. lost. 72. pounds. I was 220 lbs. I am now 148 lbs (Remember, I'm 5'9") FUCK YEAH! That's the weight I was in high school. When I was playing sports and had a teenager's metabolism. So mission FUCKING accomplished. I wore a shirt I had from my freshman year of college yesterday. My mother looked at me and said "Ok, NOW you need to stop losing weight."

Done bragging now. But considering how often I get sick I think, I deserve the one fucking benefit. Oh and it does control my condition, which is the actual purpose of the medication.

I'm done bragging now.

TTOS PRESENTS: THE ROBBY AWARDS FOR HORRIBLE EXCELLENCE IN FANFIC

'Sup Peoples!


Das Scoot is back!

And I've got a special surprise for y'all!


Since Rob has yet to give us Topless Roboteers a rundown of the best (worst?) of 2010's FFF installments, TTOS Contributor JM Hoffmann came up with this gem--I "edited" it and threw in an idea or two, and TR Poster and friend of TTOS RubyRoses added some input (if anyone else assisted in this endeavor, I apologize for overlooking your assistance--I only know what I'm told! ^_~)

So, without further ado, follow our good friend Toht to the jump, and prepare to experience THE FIRST ANNUAL ROBBY AWARDS!

The 2010 Robby Awards!!!


When grading fanfiction, you can’t just say one is the best. That’s a highly subjective question, as are the judging criteria. Each genre has its own special way of amusing and/or horrifying us. So, with that in mind, we at the Academy of Fanfiction Arts and Sciences have decided to break the 2010 fanfic review into categories. Winners in each category will receive a solid gold statuette*

*Assuming Rob is willing to pose topless for a sculptor**


**Also assuming that whatever institution the authors are in will allow the statuette to be slipped in through the food slot in their cell.

Now, the big prize this year is the Best Story award. That one will be judged last based upon five specific criteria each worth ten points for a total of 50 possible:

Hilarity/Insanity

The less likely a fanfic is to occur, the better for both of these categories. There is a very fine line between laughably bad or poorly thought out FF, and frighteningly crazy FF, so they share a category

Obscurity/Illegality


This is the internet. We realize that, as per the rules of the internet, everything has perverse fanfic written about it, and anything you can think of is probably fetishized somewhere. However, that doesn’t mean we want to know about it, or read about it in a fanfic. Bonus points will also be awarded depending on how many countries would implement the death sentence for what goes on in the FF.

Scope/Source

How epic in scope is the fanfic? Is it just two characters banging in a shed? Or is it the entire cast of the property? What effect does their inexplicable gay bdsm relationship have on the rest of the world? And how weird or unlikely is the source material? We’ll be using what we call the Bricken Postulation here, which is a theory stating that FF of family friendly warm hearted properties is likely to be far worse than fanfic based upon, say--Rambo, and therefore gains more points.

Detail

Let’s face it, the more paragraphs an author is ready to put into describing DBZ characters fisting each other, the more likely they are to skin you and make you into a blouse. We award points for that.

WHY?

This will essentially be the bonus category. The more existential questions or crises of faith the fanfic creates in the reader, the more points it receives.

We will also have awards in the following categories:



Best Author

The best Fanfic Scribe.

Best Drama

The most epic, lengthy, and/or well written fanfic we can find.

Best Supporting Role

It just wouldn’t be Star Wars if Jabba The Hutt didn’t slug about while everyone is raping each other. This category is for a character that shined in a non-sexual or fetishistic role.

Best Comedy

The laugh out loud [rape] story of the year.

Most Devastating


This will be awarded to the fanfic that kills the most readers

Best Couple

Chemistry is everything. The best matched couple will triumph here.

Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)


A most coveted award

Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)

Certainly something to put on the mantelpiece.

Best Fetish

Enemas? Abortions? Muscles? Sonic The Hedgehog fans? Egads!

Best Death Scene

Sometimes we have to say goodbye to the characters we grew up loving. It’s significantly more painful to do so when they’re covered in maggots for no logical reason.



Best Author

And the Nominees are…

No, fuck it. We’re not even going to have a running for this one. Congratulations, ComicsNix! Abraxas-- our apologies. Feel free to gripe in the comments about academy favoritism or Jews running Hollywood…



Best Drama

And the Nominees are…

After The Orgy


The Case of Erudition Towards Reliance


Momo, Do You Dream Of Hungry Eskimos?


Alvan an The Chipmunks 3


Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


Donald And Daisy

The most seriously written, epic fanfiction offered up to us this year is a hard decision to make. Is it the crime and punishment of Alvan an the Chipmunks? The Spartacus style sexual gladiator matches of Love Beyond Circuits? Or Maybe its just Sherlock Holmes getting an enema a lot, or the twisted relationship between Sonic and Tails? Or, is it the epic fantasy of a lemur crawling in an ox’s ass? Two Ducks cheating on each other and then penetrating Donald’s urethra? The Academy reached a decision rather quickly, but one of the committee unearthed arcane bylaws that ruled out one of our top contenders. Unfortunately, Alvan An The Chipmunks 3 was written as a mix of serious drama, comedy, and afterschool special about rape. This confusing tone, and the author’s beliefs that he was the fanfic world anti-rape messiah, lead us to disqualify the story.

In the end, the decision came with a sudden epiphany: Donald and Daisy isn’t about cartoon characters at all. They’re referred to more often with real live human characteristics than with those of their cartoon animal counterparts! This wasn’t just any fanfic, it was a play written where the leads happened to share names with cartoon characters, and meant to be acted with 1940s era dramatic flare, or perhaps as an excerpt from The Passion Of The Christ. In any event, the academy awards Donald and Daisy the Robby for best drama. Love Beyond Circuits comes in as our runner up. Despite having a star studded cast and a star studded anal cavity, it didn’t really seem to have anything to say (although it did tell us what happened to Jar Jar after the prequels!)

Best Supporting Role

And The Nominees Are…

Howard Stern’s evil twin in Slutball

Screech in The One Gigantic Fix

Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care A Lot

Jabba the Hutt in Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh

Snoop Dogg in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3


In this category, there is no doubt that the side character who added the most to our proceedings has to be Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care-a-lot! Who gets points for creeping us all out without ever having to actually perform any sex act. Snoop Dogg’s appearance in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3 gets a mention here though, but not quite top caliber.

Best Comedy

And the Nominees Are…

Doomsday Womb


Dirty X Men


Love In The Smudge


One Gigantic Fix


Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


There was no way we could judge the number of overall times a story made us laugh, and to judge them on their best moment alone might let a story with just one particularly good point take the top spot when another was more consistently funny. Now, each of these stories was nominated for one particularly legendary and hilarious scene or theme. We have the author’s continued misunderestimation of what a vagina is in Dirty X Men, the ecosystem in Wonder Woman’s vagina in Love In The Smudge, the pity-masturbation-party in The One Gigantic Fix, the scene where Potimus uses Jar Jar’s severed penis to fuck Princess Leia in Love Beyond Circuits and… Finally… EVERY SINGLE PART of Doomsday Womb which is our obvious and natural winner. ComicsNix was in rare form for that story, and it will remain the standard for batshit insanity in all future FFFs. We’re going to give the runner up status to Dirty X Men, not for the fanfic, but for Rob’s commentary, which was easily his best of the year including such exasperated gems as “OH MY GOD I WILL SEND YOU A PICTURE OF A VAGINA, JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING”

Most Devastating


And the Nominees are…

Day of Reckoning


Loyal Heart Babysits

How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story)


Frailty


Lessons Learned on Sesame Street

The Academy would rather not have to examine these nominees any closer than absolutely necessary: It certainly takes its toll--murder/suicide and dismemberment seem less evil when put up against abortion fetish and anthroinfantobeastiality. Indeed in Day of Reckoning showing off wrongness seems to be the entire point, with Cyclops madly throwing maggots and worms on a bed and then raping someone amidst the squirming mass, which is wrong, but at least the author clearly knows that. Abortion is legal, though what Videl is doing in her story should be punishable by…well, what Scoot does to Loga in Day Of Reckoning. So we’re down to three…. No one here honestly wants to read these to pick, but this is the task we vowed to complete. Alright, we know that all three of the remaining nominees are awful and illegal… We tried to judge them on the number of heinous crimes committed in each, but we lost count somewhere around 24.

What it comes down to is this: What happened to Elmo was so wrong that he counter-raped Maria for it… so that’s pretty bad, bad enough for the runner up… but the last story, and the winner, Loyal Heart Babysits, contains no moral compass. The horrifying events that occur therein are presented in a happy go lucky fashion that makes it more morally repugnant than the other two. The tone is similar to the works of legendary FF writer Brickhouse Bunny 21 wherein the writer displays no remorse for the characters actions, and that bears are once more the victims. Why is it always the bears? WHHYYYYY? Lessons Learned on Sesame Street comes in a very close second.

Best Couple

And the Nominees are…

Kirk and Spock in For Better or Immersed

Batman and Robocop in The Day The Men Found Love

Lois Lane and a Cucumber in Farmgirl Lois


Some crazy chick and Optimus Prime in When Optimus And I Met And Fell In Love

Dobby and Professor Trelawney in The True Meaning of Liberty


Donald and Daisy Duck in Donald and Daisy


Zelda and a Snake in Zelda Swallowed By a Snake

Sonic and Tails in After The Orgy

This category isn’t just about good pairings or great sexual scenes, this is about the meaning of these relationships, and how well the writer conveys that. Could they last forever? Could it be true love? Or is it a doomed enterprise, a pair of star-crossed lovers? Sometimes, when the characters are entangled in the tentacles of passion, it’s hard to tell for them and for the reader as well. We’re going to try to find meaning in these beautiful and tender romantic tales… Join us, won’t you?

Kirk and Spock are really about that wedding vow. These two guys are turned into fish people, possibly forever, but in spite of that tribulation, or perhaps because of it, they can still see to each other’s manly needs. Batman and Robocop on the surface seem to be forced to enter anal sex with each other for a rather contrived reason, but on that homeless person’s mattress they found true love, a love that both knew was doomed from the start, which only made it more meaningful to the two. Lois Lane and her cucumber was just a passing fling, and Lois treats it as this. There is no pity that soon her cucumber must be chopped up and eaten, no sadness for her lover’s passing. Perhaps these feelings are hidden too deeply to be easily apparent in a poorly written erotic fanfic, but all the same, it doesn’t seem very romantic. Sonic and Tails is another classic pairing, but they fall by the wayside because Sonic is a homophobe.

The crazy chick who wrote about fucking Optimus Prime seems to have watched “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”a little too often, and her story seems to be little more than something for her to flick her bean to. Again, not very romantic. Also, she loses points for being crazy: If she ever did meet Optimus Prime, she wouldn’t romance him; she’d give him Autobotroofies and keep him in a pit in her basement. Dobby and Professor Trelawney seem to be in the throes of passion, and Trelawney is somewhat drunk on cooking sherry at the time, so we’re not sure we can say that this is love so much as Dobby experiencing his freedom. Perhaps he will be free to pleasure Professor McGonnagal later on that same night? Consider it, and this looks less like true love. Donald and Daisy Duck do go through some hard times, but Jesus died on the cross so that their indiscretions could be forgiven… and then repeated in the second half, sigh… This looks more like “To Blave” than “True Love”. Lastly we have the doomed romance of Zelda and a Snake. Jealous Link kills the snake in the end, as we know he must. I don’t want to get into the Freudian aspects of wanting to eat your lover, or to exist permanently inside your lover, but I think there was something there. Zelda found something special inside that snake, something many of us search for our whole lives, something that will go on forever in Zelda’s heart.

In the interests of love, we can afford a tie. Look at it as splitting the category into best new pairing and best classic pairing. Batman and Robocop share the Robby with Kirk and Spock--congratulations to both of them, and to Zelda, the remaining half of our runner up couple.


Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)

And The Nominees Are…

The Day The Men Found Love


After The Orgy


Love In The Smudge


Arthur The Piggy


Goten’s Birthday


This is a hard category to judge. Unlike traditional penis vs. vagina sex, anal sex seems to, in fanfic, require some preamble. In The Day The Men Found Love Robocop fucks Batman with a smoke grenade so Batman’s secret identity won’t be revealed. Love In The Smudge involves Shrek pegging Wonder Woman so she can sleep despite “feeling like a pork chop” Arthur The Piggy… I don’t even know, but I believe that tongues are inserted into anuses in order to clean out barbecue sauce. Goten’s Birthday involves anal sex between various characters as a birthday tradition. After The Orgy has no special reason for what goes on, except that it is part of a Greek tragedy. A Greek tragedy involving anal sex by homophobic hedgehogs. The last two seem to have the least elaborate setups, and any butt hole will tell you that setting up properly is important to anal sex.

Down to three, and how to judge? Well, it’s quite simple really. All three stories contain anal sex… but how much consent is there? How much do the characters care about each other? In Arthur The Piggy, our heroes are not over the age of consent (in people years at least, what the fuck is the age of consent for an aardvark?) so that one’s out. The last two are easy. Diana doesn’t seem pleased that Shrek is “Doing what orks do best” with his “decomposing dick”. It takes some convincing, and is a one time extramarital affair. In The Day The Men Found Love, the winning story, Batman and Robocop know their relationship is fleeting due to the need to go kill stupid shit hippies, but this makes their relationship more special, not less. Like a desert flower that only blooms for one day, tentacle rapes you, and then dies. Those men found happiness in each other’s orifices, if only for a moment. Kudos to you, Batman. Kudos to you Robocop. Kudos to you, phallic smoke grenade! Arthur The Piggy gets the runner up spot, because those cartoon animals seemed to have a really great time licking barbecue sauce off each other.

Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)

And the Nominees are…

Slutball


Slave Bear of Care A Lot


Harry Potter And The Creepy House


Harry Potter And The Surprise Package


Creepy Scooby Doo

Once again we have several deserving candidates here. But, we must ask the question: Is quantity of butt rape important when judging this category? Slutball definitely has all the others beat for shear rapeyness, but the story actually repeats the same concept over and over again enough that it becomes less horrifying due to quantity, even though the moose Borg thing was certainly a novel touch. It should be noted that, of the remaining entries, 3 use the word “creepy”, two of them in their titles! Is creepy a byword for forcible sodomy? You decide!

Next, we narrowed it down still further by removing Slave Bear of Care A Lot and Creepy House, because the sodomy in those wasn’t made quite bizarre enough. So, coming down to it, we have a story where Harry gets raped and impregnated with alien penis monsters and ultimately murdered, by Hermione of course, and a story where Shaggy gets tentacle raped by a suddenly betentacled Fred who forces him into the arrangement by threatening to fuck Scooby Doo if Shaggy doesn’t join in. These are both truly repulsive works of fanfiction, hell, all of these are… and the only way we can think to judge them is to simply put two excerpts up and figure out which is worst:

“She hadn't expected him to know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready… Harry's spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.”

Or

“Fred hates Shaggy. He yells out to Daphne, "Shaggy won't put one in his mouth!" Daphne walks by with his arms full of friedworks, says, "Bet Scooby would," and hops off the bus.”

The number of errors in that one last sentence, fried fireworks, Daphne having a masculine pronoun, the mystery machine being called a bus, and the continued implied threat that a dog may be tentacle raped all make Creepy Scooby Doo the unquestionable winner in this category and leave Harry’s poor asshole a sore second.

Best Fetish

And the Nominees are…

Night of The Beast for motorcyclophilia

For Better Or Immersed for Scalies

Neon Muscle Evangelion for muscle fetish

Zelda Swallowed By A Snake for, well, Zelda getting swallowed by a snake… in a sexy way
(it's called "vorephilia", dude!--The Editor)

Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirth Adventure for unbirthing fetish

How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story ) for abortion fetish

The Scientific Method for …. I really don’t fucking know, but it’s sick.

A quick word on the Academy’s reasoning here. It is true-- we didn’t add the two coprophilious fetish stories. Considering FFF featured two of those it seems a bit too common to be very shocking. Farmgirl Lois is out because the fruit and vegetable fucking seems to be but a convenient vehicle for her libido rather than a fetishized habit. Enema fetish is also out, because we saw two stories featuring that one, and it gets old quick. And although diaper fetish is fairly well known as well, we chose not to add the two stories involving diapers because that was secondary to the horrible pedobestiality. So, we’re left with six very bizarre stories that are largely focused on seven fetishes that we are all, hopefully, new to.

We have Wolverine getting aroused by motorcycles and then fucking a sentient one. We have Kirk and Spock being turned on by the fact that they are mutated fish men and feeling each others gills. The Evangelion girls are muscular and this is apparently sexy. Zelda getting eaten by a snake is sexy too, even to Zelda, the snake’s victim. Unbirthing fetish wherein Brianna is regressed to infancy and then into, sigh, a fetus inside of Rebecca and finally abortion fetish, wherein a fetus is destroyed with arousing results for Videl. And then there’s Aragorn going deep into Frodo’s newly developed Mines of Moria…

You know what finally decides it for me? Sex acts. Wolverine fucks something. He uses his penis in a traditional way, on a non traditional target. Kirk and Spock perform a homosexual act, which is totally cool and ok, just they happen to be fish while they do it. Zelda, despite being eaten by a snake or more likely because of it, masturbates. Videl does likewise while thinking about her abortion. Two fanfics remain that are set apart for one reason: The human sex organs are never utilized for anything traditionally associated with sex. The author of Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirthing Adventure, our winner, didn’t need to think about actual sex to get off. She just needed to imagine shrinking a woman and shoving her into her uterus. That’s devotion to your fetish. Neon Muscle Evangelion just seems too benign, and as such we have decided that Zelda Swallowed By A Snake and Videl Discovers Her Abortion Fetish share the runner up spot for introducing us to two things we never knew were so very, very sexy.

Best Death Scene

And the Nominees are…


Sailor’s Lament


The Bitch Must Pay


Urine


Harry Potter And The Surprise Package


Day Of Reckoning

This is a fairly easy category. Death is something we can all deal with. The other fanfic subject matter, not so much. However, for many of these authors, death isn’t enough. Dying a horrible, humiliating, painful death seems to be where it’s at for them. Fox McCloud’s urine soaked murder at the hands of his wife and that Sailor Moon girl getting eaten by a cat seem tame compared to the other fare here. The Bitch Must Pay is written merely as a celebration of feminine vindictiveness, not something to “masturbate” to as one FF author might put it. Down to the top, or perhaps bottom two, we have Harry Potter having his butt raped and then exploded by cryptophallids, and of course, well, the sordid events of Day Of Reckoning… We can tell by the fact that none of us wish to even describe the events of Day Of Reckoning that it deserves to win. All the characters in the story die in a scene reminiscent of the tale of Oedipus. Surprise Package pulls off another close second.

Best Story


And the Nominees are…

Day of Reckoning


Harry Potter and the Surprise Package


Doomsday Womb


Love Beyond Circuits Love Beyond Flesh


Love In The Smudge


Lessons Learned On Sesame Street


Dirty X Men

All of these fanfics got tens in Hilarity/Insanity. They each got a perfect ten in another category too, usually WHY? However, what really clinched it were the second and third categories. Day of Reckoning would have been very much in the running, except that it only had 3 characters and no impact on the setting. Love in the Smudge and Dirty X Men fell to this pitfall as well, making the choice for our top fanfic much simpler. The winner of the 2010 Robby award for best picture is…

Lessons Learned on Sesame Street with a score of 48 out of a possible 50. The only category it faltered slightly in was Scope- the story only involved like, four characters… Still, that was 4 too many in our book. The limited cast and world building was somewhat alleviated by the consequences the author put forth involving monster babies resulting from Elmo rape… oh god, why are we doing this?

This fanfic was deeply scarring because of the subject matter, detail and bizarre things the characters did. No other fanfic in recent memory has attacked a beloved and innocent part of our childhoods so insidiously. It beat out both runners up by a full 4 points. The rest of the pack was at least 10 points behind this magnum opus of perversion. Speaking of, the runners up were

Harry Potter and the Surprise Package


And

Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


Each with 44 points



Thanks to JM, Ruby, Rob, all the winners and nominees, and the degenerate psychopaths who craft these magnificent entertainments/arguments for human extinction.

See you next year/in Hell!


Scooter Atreides (wearing Billy Crystal's harvested skin)

The longest I have ever waited for a Damn Book

I started reading this series in 1993

Hello My Children. Right now your Den Mother is watching a really friggin bad movie, the Clan of the Cave Bear. Why? You ask. Or maybe not asking, cuz you don't actually give a flying fuck. Well because on March 29th, of this year the last book of Jean M. Auel's Earth Children series, one she began the year I WAS BORN, will coming to all book stores. Well obviously I didn't start reading this series when it first came out, being an infant and all. But I did see this movie back in the 80's and I read the first book, the aforementioned Clan of the Cave Bear, when I was thirteen. And the next three books quickly thereafter. Now the 4th book came out in 1991. The fifth didn't come out until friggin 2002. So yeah, I waited about 8 years for the fifth book and yet ANOTHER 9 years for the sixth book.

Good Goddess. The only other thing I ever waited this long for were the bloody Star Wars Prequels. Thankfully, the fifth book was worth the wait and I'm gonna assume that the sixth book will also be worth the wait. So when March comes along, I'll finally learn how the adventures of Ayla, the prehistoric chick who apparently invented EVERYTHING, ends. I would tell you more about the series, but you can google it. I need to go to the library and take out these books. Good day, and enjoy the football game if you are planning on watching it!

Happy Sunday, I have to go quest for fire now.

This book and me...We are the SAME DAMN AGE!

PS Hey James, why isn't there a "books" label?

(That better, dear? --EDITOR)

Nerd Nostalgia: Star Trek IV

Live Long and Prosper, Yo!

Hello My Children. Your den Mother Colleen is feeling fond and nostalgic. Tonight Syfy was actually playing a genuine Scifi movie: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Now I have a particular fondness for the movie...its my favorite trek film after Wrath of Khan, which any Trekkie will tell you is the BEST Star Trek Film. Its a Time Travel film, where we get to watch the crew of the Enterprise deal with 1980s San Francisco. Its the film where we get to see Spock mind meld with a whale..."Maybe he's singing to that man!" -Thanks sweet little old lady... And most especially, its getting to watch Spock Vulcan Neck Pinch a Punk Rocker after he's flipped the bird. A great movie and a wonderful time capsule to the mid 1980s.

The Voyage home also holds a great moment of Nerdhood for me. In the 7th grade, my class was doing an extended project on Endangered species. The Voyage Home was shown to illustrate the 'worst case scenario' of what could happen when a species goes extinct. In the case of IV, it involves the destruction of Earth because a probe wants to talk to the humpback whales -which, according to Trek chronology, had gone extinct. Why was this a true moment of nerdhood for me you ask? Well because if you haven't seen Star Trek II or III, the first 20 minutes of the movie will have you excessively confused. As the well known trekkie of my grade, I was bombarded with questions such as "When did Spock die?" "How did he come back to life?" "What's Project Genesis?" "Kirk had a son?!?" You get the drift. But the true moment of pride came from the fact that the ENTIRE grade was utterly riveted by the movie. Once I quickly synopsized the previous two movies, the cafeteria was silent, other than spontaneous exclamations of approval at various moments of the movie -the aforementioned Neck Pinching of the punk rocker got a huge applause. But the moment that will live in my mind forever is when Spock and Sarek were saying goodbye with the customary "Live Long and Prosper." My entire grade, as one, lifted their hands and did the hand gesture along with Father and Son. It was truly the greatest moment a Trekkie could witness! I will always remember it. I have often been ostracized for being a geek. However, there are moments that made being a geek worthwhile.

And for your enjoyment the Neck Pinching of a Punk Rocker...to Leonard Nimoy's Bilbo Baggins Song!!!

A book to a movie to a comic: Can a story be successful at all three? Weather at 11.

Hello all

I'd like to let you know that I am not dead, and I've been trying to think about this review for a long time. I have not been able to think of a lengthy review for it, because it's hard to review a story without giving it away. My main idea was to focus on the three different mediums the story was presented, and how each one enhances or takes away from the story.

I do not wish to spoil the story because this is one of my favourites, and one I hope most people would pick up at one point in their lives.

So without further delay:



The Last Uncorn: Can a story be told in different mediums?

As some may recall, I did a review on the Watchmen movie exploring this same topic. I felt that despite the movie not capturing the entire aspect of the Watchmen comic, it did a pretty good job delaying with the set backs of certain limitations of a form.

A movie adaptation will never be perfect. Some have come close, but there is too much of a gap between a written story and a visual one. Written stories rely too much on provoking one's imagination through descriptive words and additional details to move the story along, while a movie can just show you what it is trying to portray. A book can be as many pages as the author wants. Movies are forced to stay in specific time restraints, or be pushed into a series of movies to tell the whole story. A book allows the reader to picture what they think certain things look like, while a movie keeps the image the same for everyone.

Despite these limitations, movie adaptations can be successful. I actually grew up watching The Last Unicorn movie before I read the book. I didn't even know it was a book until I was in high school. But when I read the book, I realized that the movie version did not stray from its original concept. Sure, there were some certain parts of the book that were cut out, but their omission did not seem to affect the overall story. I am certain that this was probably because the author of the book, Peter S Beagle was the one that wrote the screenplay for the movie. While he may have removed a chunk of backstory on certain characters, anyone who compares the book to the movie may be able to agree that some of it is just not that necessary to get the same messages and themes across.

There is one form of story telling however, that is a marriage of words and pictures. A comic.

IDW publishing announced that it would publish a series on The Last Unicorn. A 6 comic series throughout 2010 that was approved by Peter S Beagle once again. In fact, he himself adapted the story for a comic.

Much like movies, a comic can be limited as well. I suppose the publishing company has the last say on how many issues you may have and how many pages in each one. As an owner of a couple of trade series, it seems a little daft that IDW would force an author to telling a story in only a limited number of issues and pages. Beagle himself announced in the summer that in order for them to properly tell the story, they would need additional pages in the 5th and 6th issue in the series. IDW told them it was a cost issue, and Beagle himself (and I think some others) paid out of pocket to get these additional pages.

With the first 3 issues, I was quite excited. I did have a slight issue with the art because I was hoping that the artist would have used her own style for some of the characters. Most of them looked exactly like their cartoon movie counterparts. A comic is a great way to get anew persepctive, but I felt that by using the same image of the unicorn as the 1982 film just reinforces that the cartoony unicorn is the image the author himself finds to be the most accurate, which I have a hard time believing.

Another thing I did notice with the comic was it was very slow at story telling. When the comic series is only 6 issues long, and you haven't even reached the middle of your story yet by the end of issue #3, you risk cutting some poignant parts of the story. I was delighted that some of the book that was not able to make it into the movie worked its way into the comic though they might be slightly minor.

I felt that the last two issues were really lacking and I was not keen on their design. In issue #5, the artist decided to label a spread with a character's name. It just seemed so out of place, especially since the reader had already been acquainted with the characters. I also felt that this issue's layout was just so mumbled compared to the previous issues. Issue #5 is also the first time we meet the main antagonist. In both the book and movie, he speaks deeply about the reason why he has captured all the unicorns in the world for himself. The comic ignores this outright, which is a shame since it is with that speech he becomes a sympathetic character.

As if issue #5 wasn't bad enough, the last issue really dropped the ball. Much like the main antagonist, the Unicorn herself exits the story with a relfection of her quest that sets her apart from the rest of the unicorns because of the life changing situation she had encountered. Instead, in the comic, she leaves the story quite quickly. Her reflection is vague and hurried, like the entire quest wasn't a big deal. It just seemed so unfitting and I was quite disappointed.

The art was okay. As I mentioned, a lot of the characters were very much lifted from movie itself. I did like how the issues started very bright, then increasingly got darker and more grey until the end of the last issue., using the contrast to reflect the moods of the story.

Overall, I thought that a comic version of the story could have been utilized a better way than it was. There was a chance for the comic to bring in what the movie had missed, but also offer visual stimulation. It started off well, but petered out in the end. I am not sure if this was a decision made by the author, or there were too many restrictions placed upon him. I think if he was allowed to do an eight issue series instead of a 6th, it may have worked better in his favor. At the end of the day, I will likely buy the trade when it comes out because I have a collection of TLU items and I am a weird collector in that way. I do hope that the comic book version of the story has encouraged others to read the book (now in its 40th year). At the end of the day, I guess the book will always be better.

Now for some pictures from the comic!

The Fall of Jacen Solo

Hello my Children. It has been a while since Den Mother Colleen has addressed you all. Well beware a rant is brewing.

Now I know that the majority of people here, if not all, could care less about Jacen Solo...or even know who he is. But I do. I am a die-hard Star Wars fan...of the original trilogy anyway. However, while George Lucas systematically destroyed fans time and time again with the moronification of this franchise, the EU authors kept true to the spirit of Star Wars. They even managed to incorporate the new "canon" crap that Lucas came up with into the stories without making me want to projectile vomit. Hell, they even killed Chewie in a way that kept true to the spirit of that Wookiee...So I'm down with the EU...and fuck all you haters. That is until the Insect trilogy (forgot the actual name and I don't actually care enough to look it up) and most particularly "The Legacy of the Force" series. All you authors can kiss my ass for running with THAT story arch.

Why am I suddenly ranting about some EU character? Well on this week's TR contest I found another fan of Star Wars who was as horrified by the newest EU books as I am. I am currently in a philosophical discussion regarding the nature of the Force. Anyway, to me the ultimate betrayal is what they decided to do to my favorite EU character, the aforementioned Jacen Solo. For those who did not read the Heir to the Empire trilogy by Timothy Zahn, Jacen Solo is Han & Leia's oldest son and twin to Jaina Solo. As a kid he told stupid jokes and had an affinity with animals...and that's the Jedi, I can get them to do what I want, affinity. He was cute, he was good natured, and he was utterly awkward when dealing with his crush, Tenel Ka. He was pretty much the Jedi version of any geek teen.

And then the New Jedi Order series occurred. And that should have been a clue to all of us EU fans as to where the book series was going. Back to the Dark and Bitter days akin to the Empire Era. Basically, a race of Extra-Galactic aliens obssessed with BDSM -the type that don't have safe words- invaded the galaxy. And proceeded to wipe the floor with the New Republic. I won't get into details but the series began with the DEATH OF CHEWBACCA. Just so you know how serious these aliens are. The war also killed the youngest of Han & Leia's children, Anakin Solo.

More importantly, Jacen was captured by an agent of the Yuuzhan Vong or a double agent AT BEST, Vergere. She was once a Jedi who met this race and decided to go with them so she could learn everything possible about this new threat. This was about 50 years prior to this series and years before the Clone Wars. Whatever happened in the intervening time had seriously messed with this chick's sense of right and wrong. She permitted the torture and implantation of a slave-seed into Jacen. The result was Jacen began to influence the world brain that took over Coruscant...and he was able to develop the "Vong Sense." Meaning unlike the rest of the Jedi, he could feel the Yuuzhan Vong...but not with using the force since they were stripped of that millenia ago by an INTELLIGENT PLANET. Anyway, when the war ended Jacen was able to bridge the gap between the Vong and the denizens of the Star Wars Galaxy. But there was a price...a horrible, horrible price. Jacen took to heart WAY too much of Vergere's teachings...which were corrupted by the insanity that was the Yuuzhan Vong's way of life...which is contrary to everything a Jedi believes in. For instance, the Jedi worship life while the Yuuzhan Vong worship death.

In the proceeding trilogy and series, I watched in utter horror as Jacen was completely stripped of his compassion, his good nature, and everything that was vital to the character as I knew him from the Young Jedi Knights series. He killed, he tortured, he plotted, and he did it all because he wanted to bring order back to the Galaxy. He became Darth Caedus and Jacen Solo was lost. Mara Jade Skywalker, RIGHT BEFORE JACEN KILLED HER, put it best: You aren't another Vader, you're Palpatine. In the end, his own twin was unable to save him and in fact killed him.

The next series, the one I'm currently reading, is in part a journey by Luke to discover what wrought such a change in his nephew. He discovered a being in the Maw who can influence individuals across the galaxy. His nephew met her and apparently was stripped of the core of himself by her. I personally think that's too easy. It began 15 years prior when he was 18 and a prisoner of war...a prisoner of one who was once a Jedi.

There's a philosophical construct introduced into the Star Wars Universe during the New Jedi Order. Vergere introduced the idea that there is not a light side or dark side to the force, that it is in fact determined by the wielder him or herself. However, no Jedi can ever subscribe to this because they HAVE to believe in the Light Side. It governs their actions and more importantly, it protects those who cannot wield the force. Without such a belief in a light or dark side, force users would eventually believe that as long as the ends are just, the means do not matter. But for a Jedi, the means are utterly vital. The moment one stops caring about HOW they get results, they turn into a monster. They become Sith. I believe THIS is the fundamental difference between Jedi and Sith. Its not philosophical but practical. A Sith can care about the Galaxy but they don't have to worry about how they achieve their vision. A Jedi, on the other hand, must care or risk going against the very oath that they took -to protect and serve the Galaxy.

Jacen Solo is the result of what happens when one only contemplates the ends. The change may have been finished by the entity in the Maw, but it began with Vergere and her teachings. And thus I finish my rant and reaffirm my complete and utter geekhood.

Good Night and Good Luck

Zortt's Films That Define Only He: #49 Clerks 2

This list of 50 films, is a set of films that I have decided that will be my "Criterion Collection" of films. A set of movies that I use to describe who I am, my ideas and what I think are the best movies. You may not agree and that's ok, but these are my movies. And as always, "THARR BE SPOILERS! YE BE WARNED! "

I just want to quickly share an opinion before we jump into today's film selection:

Thursday Television Comedies:
The Big Bang Theory: Awesome. Great return to form. :)

The Office: Oh my god, please get better or I will have to abandon you. I've been a loyal fan for 6 seasons, but to launch out of the gate like that. Oh my god.

Community: My new absolute favorite. I have great hopes about this show into the far reaching future.

Outsourced: I'm a sucker for anything Indian, so I liked it. I'm actually watching it again as I type this. I enjoy Bollywood films, Indian food, and Indian culture in general. So to get that each week is going to be fun. And that girl with the Australian accent, extremely hot. :)

Shit My Dad Says: (Yes, I didn't put it in its bleeped form, because this is how I refer to the show) I love the Shat, and he's the only thing that makes this show salvageable. I'll give it a few more goes.

And..

Glee: The new Coach is a breath of fresh air, but I want to see where they take the story. The new episode was a bunch of "meh" for me.

Venture Bros.: With each new episode, my hardcore fandom grows three sizes. Its sooo good.

Anyway, thought I would digress for a moment about the new shows and old ones coming back. I'm not a fan of TV dramas, although I will watch a random episode of SVU when its on.

Well, onward to the pick of the week.

#49: Clerks 2

This film was an enigma to me at first.

I mean, I like Kevin Smiths movies. Having seen Mallrats, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back before this one I kinda knew what I was getting into. However, I hadn't seen the original Clerks until I was in college, almost a year after seeing the second one first. Smith's movies have always struck a chord with me, in fact I offered to someone when we both complained of lack of money that we should make a porno.

She said no.

This movie though, if nothing sounded good to watch or my friends and I couldn't decide on what terrible b-rated horror movie out of the video store's basement we would probably end up watching this one.

For those who don't know anything about this movie, its pretty simple. Two losers, Dante Hicks and Randall Graves, who work at a Quick Stop (think gas station without the gas) loose their jobs due to the place burning down and they now work at a local fast food joint run by Rosario Dawson. Still there is their loitering friends from the Quick Stop is Jay and Silent Bob. However, in this installment Dante is preparing to leave everything and Randall is having great anxiety about his friend leaving. The two decided to stay here in New Jersey, reopen their burned out store, and live in the peace that was their life before the fast food place. Oh yeah, in between that there's nerdy talk about Lord of the Rings, Transformers vs. Gobots, inter-species erotica, a spirited debate about weather or not to go ass to mouth, and an attempt to take back the term "porch-monkey." All good family fun. For your amusement, the Lord of the Rings discussion:



First time I saw this, I went to see this with my father. Now, don't freak out. Ever since I was able to drive he and I have been going to see movies. When I first realized that the power to drive was to go to any movie I desired at anytime (fun fact on that, the first movie I saw by myself was Mr. and Mrs. Smith), he realized that the bonding time between us was quickly diminishing. Now, I take him when I don't have a date (which is nearly all the time). One of the first movies that I drug him to that I can remember, was this one.

Walking in he didn't have the faintest idea of what he was getting into. Frankly neither did I really, I wasn't expecting the snappy dialog and nerdy diatribes that awaited to me. I remember sitting next to my father and cringing during the ass to mouth comments, expecting him to scoff in disgust, but instead was welcomed with great big belly laughs. He was almost crying with laughter by the end of that scene. I didn't know the film would have that effect on him, but we were quoting the entire movie all the way home.

In college, the film was revitalized for me because my friends were dining through my treasure chest of movies. Its a metal DVD case that is full of movies, holds over 200, and I filled that whole thing. Its a typical situation, where someone says they haven't seen said movie and we put it in. Again, this movie became a bonding session for everyone involved because we would talk about the Lord of the Rings scene, I would defend the Go-Bots, and we would randomly reenact this scene:



The third and most important reason is this films themes are: not to let other people influence you and change who you really are and sometimes the true happiness in life is always right there in front of you. This really hits home with me, because I had to leave college due to lack of complete focus on what I really wanted in life. I moved 400 miles away from my very small town and I had all these people telling me how I should focus on one thing or another and other people telling me I could do anything and there was even some telling me to stop being so damn nerdy! When I left and came home I found that being at home with my parents and high school friends, was where I am truly happy and content with myself. Since then I have co-opened my own store, volunteered at a local comic book museum, helped to judge local speech and debate meets, substitute taught, and now going to school to be a web developer. All of those things, happened around 30-50 miles of my house. Home is where the heart is, and when we take a collective deep breath and realize that our true calling could be right in front of us the whole time, that's a great feeling.

And as a side note, one of my first jobs was working in a fast food restaurant, so I know how bad that sucks.

Rather than put the trailer up here, like I was going to, I'm going to put this music video someone made using Soul Asylums "Misery, INC."



Next week's is going to be awesome, just don't his say his name three times.