Shippers, the bane of my existance: POTO Edition.

I don't know why, but shippers drive me up the wall. I dislike them with every core of my body. I hate that audiences of a book, musical, tv show, movie, cartoon, comic book, etc try to force two characters together because they feel that they belong, even when the actual writers of said characters chooses not to put them together. The only thing I hate more than shippers are Mary Sues.



I first ran into shippers when I frequented the X-Files chat room of Yahoo. I have never been on board with Mulder and Scully being involved in a relationship, because I don't agree with the formula that a woman and man who work together/hang out with each other/do something together automatically will be involved together. Unfortunately this is how a lot of shows/movies/etc seem to run. The characters are not together at first, but their relationship evolves from friendship to lovers. This doesn't always work in real life and it drives me bonkers. The majority of shippers are women, and I don't know if it says something about the female gender or what. I get the notion that a lot of women are like Marge Simpson; they feel that everything and everyone should be paired together. I know that there are always going to be exceptions to the rule (myself for example). Do women just want romance? Happy Endings? Am I just alone, when I enjoy a movie where the main guy and the main gal go their separate ways, or one dies, or they love someone else?

Today I would like to bitch about shippers in a novel-turned-multiple-franchise that I hold dear to my heart: The Phantom of the Opera.

I have been a 'phan' for quite some time. My parents had gone to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical in the early 90s in Toronto, where it was a permanent fixture of Canadian Broadway for over 20 years. My mom brought back the soundtrack and played it constantly, inspiring me to find out more about the production.

Lucky for me, our library had a copy of the novel and I took it out in grade 4. It wasn't really the easiest novel for me to get through with my preconceived notions of what should happen based on my knowledge of the musical. My favourite thing about this book though, was the wonderful artwork of Greg Hildebrandt. I actually found the book at an online used book store and bought it for sheer nostalgia (and pretty pictures!).

I finally saw the stage production in 1997, during one of its final years. Shortly, the musical left Toronto, although occasionally it comes back for a month performance. When the 2004 movie came out, I was ecstatic because it meant I could watch it whenever I wanted, provided it was a word for word reproduction of the musical. For the most part, it is. I did have a little problem with some of the casting though.

Gerard Butler is too hot to be the Phantom.

Way too hot.

It was like casting had no concept of the story. The Phantom was hideously ugly. So ugly his mother never kissed him or looked upon his face. So ugly that it haunted Christine. Nobody loved the Phantom because he was a distorted gargoyle and that is why he had to live away from society's gaze.

Every actor who had played The Phantom in the musical had 4 hours worth of make done.



Look at Butler here. Loathsome gargoyle indeed... He looks like he had some minor burns, but nothing that couldn't be fixed with some of that Parisian stage make up they would have used in the operas!



The problem with making the Phantom hot is that it gives the character too much sympathy. There will always be sympathy for the Phantom. He had a shitty life and he just wanted to love and be loved. However, the Phantom also was a complete jerk. He took away Christine's freedom and held her prisoner, wanted to force her into marriage, murdered several people in both the novel and musical and used terror to control the staff at the Opera House. He was a selfish man up until the end. Only when Christine showed him pity and compassion, did he change his mind and give her back her freedom, his one unselfish act.

But, many female fans of the movie and the musical felt that Christine should have stayed with the Phantom. Oodles of speculation, fan fiction, fan art and even novels have tried to come to this conclusion. They felt that Christine truly loved the Phantom but clearly they were never paying attention to what was in front of them. It is absolutely illogical. Christine never once proclaimed her love for the Phantom. She appreciated his voice, his ability to write operas and to teach her, but never once did she feel torn in a love triangle. She always wanted to be with Raoul and it was the Phantom that forced her into choosing, only because he threatened to kill him in the musical (in the book, he was going to blow up the entire opera house).

Yet, Phantom of Manhattan, Susan Kay's Phantom and Andrew Lloyd Webber's Love Never Dies, a sequel to POTO go against this logical and insist that not only did Christine love the Phantom, but she had sex with him and had his love child.

Wait, what?

Damn you shippers! Clearly you have convinced enough people that there is a market for your insipid Christine-Phantom fantasy! You deny the logic presented before you!

In order to make C and P work, you have to make Raoul a jerk. So what do they do? They turn the brave hero who was willing to sacrifice his life so that Christine wouldn't be stuck marrying the Phantom and living in the bowels of the Opera House into a gambling drunk. A gambling drunk that Christine had to have cheated on to have her 10 year old son. In Kay's novel, Christine gives birth to a premature child who is actually full term, so Raoul realizes that the child is not his. In Love Never Dies, Christine goes and has sex with the Phantom the night before her wedding. Because this totally fits the character of Christine. Christine, who pledged her love to Raoul, who was willing to give up her freedom to save his life, who wanted him to steal her away so she wouldn't be captive of the Phantom any longer, who was frightened of the Phantom's soulless face, went out of her way to have sex with the Phantom before getting married to Raoul.

/brain explode.


Anyways.

My best friend is a shipper, and I tolerate it. But ugh, it drives me up the wall! I apologize to any other readers if you are shippers, but I have to ask: Why doesn't the audience just accept the writer's choices (I'm looking at you, Zutara shippers!)?

The Tentacle of Dr. Abraxas - or - How I Learned to Love, not Fear FFF

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TTOS PRESENTS: THE ROBBY AWARDS FOR HORRIBLE EXCELLENCE IN FANFIC

'Sup Peoples!


Das Scoot is back!

And I've got a special surprise for y'all!


Since Rob has yet to give us Topless Roboteers a rundown of the best (worst?) of 2010's FFF installments, TTOS Contributor JM Hoffmann came up with this gem--I "edited" it and threw in an idea or two, and TR Poster and friend of TTOS RubyRoses added some input (if anyone else assisted in this endeavor, I apologize for overlooking your assistance--I only know what I'm told! ^_~)

So, without further ado, follow our good friend Toht to the jump, and prepare to experience THE FIRST ANNUAL ROBBY AWARDS!

The 2010 Robby Awards!!!


When grading fanfiction, you can’t just say one is the best. That’s a highly subjective question, as are the judging criteria. Each genre has its own special way of amusing and/or horrifying us. So, with that in mind, we at the Academy of Fanfiction Arts and Sciences have decided to break the 2010 fanfic review into categories. Winners in each category will receive a solid gold statuette*

*Assuming Rob is willing to pose topless for a sculptor**


**Also assuming that whatever institution the authors are in will allow the statuette to be slipped in through the food slot in their cell.

Now, the big prize this year is the Best Story award. That one will be judged last based upon five specific criteria each worth ten points for a total of 50 possible:

Hilarity/Insanity

The less likely a fanfic is to occur, the better for both of these categories. There is a very fine line between laughably bad or poorly thought out FF, and frighteningly crazy FF, so they share a category

Obscurity/Illegality


This is the internet. We realize that, as per the rules of the internet, everything has perverse fanfic written about it, and anything you can think of is probably fetishized somewhere. However, that doesn’t mean we want to know about it, or read about it in a fanfic. Bonus points will also be awarded depending on how many countries would implement the death sentence for what goes on in the FF.

Scope/Source

How epic in scope is the fanfic? Is it just two characters banging in a shed? Or is it the entire cast of the property? What effect does their inexplicable gay bdsm relationship have on the rest of the world? And how weird or unlikely is the source material? We’ll be using what we call the Bricken Postulation here, which is a theory stating that FF of family friendly warm hearted properties is likely to be far worse than fanfic based upon, say--Rambo, and therefore gains more points.

Detail

Let’s face it, the more paragraphs an author is ready to put into describing DBZ characters fisting each other, the more likely they are to skin you and make you into a blouse. We award points for that.

WHY?

This will essentially be the bonus category. The more existential questions or crises of faith the fanfic creates in the reader, the more points it receives.

We will also have awards in the following categories:



Best Author

The best Fanfic Scribe.

Best Drama

The most epic, lengthy, and/or well written fanfic we can find.

Best Supporting Role

It just wouldn’t be Star Wars if Jabba The Hutt didn’t slug about while everyone is raping each other. This category is for a character that shined in a non-sexual or fetishistic role.

Best Comedy

The laugh out loud [rape] story of the year.

Most Devastating


This will be awarded to the fanfic that kills the most readers

Best Couple

Chemistry is everything. The best matched couple will triumph here.

Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)


A most coveted award

Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)

Certainly something to put on the mantelpiece.

Best Fetish

Enemas? Abortions? Muscles? Sonic The Hedgehog fans? Egads!

Best Death Scene

Sometimes we have to say goodbye to the characters we grew up loving. It’s significantly more painful to do so when they’re covered in maggots for no logical reason.



Best Author

And the Nominees are…

No, fuck it. We’re not even going to have a running for this one. Congratulations, ComicsNix! Abraxas-- our apologies. Feel free to gripe in the comments about academy favoritism or Jews running Hollywood…



Best Drama

And the Nominees are…

After The Orgy


The Case of Erudition Towards Reliance


Momo, Do You Dream Of Hungry Eskimos?


Alvan an The Chipmunks 3


Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


Donald And Daisy

The most seriously written, epic fanfiction offered up to us this year is a hard decision to make. Is it the crime and punishment of Alvan an the Chipmunks? The Spartacus style sexual gladiator matches of Love Beyond Circuits? Or Maybe its just Sherlock Holmes getting an enema a lot, or the twisted relationship between Sonic and Tails? Or, is it the epic fantasy of a lemur crawling in an ox’s ass? Two Ducks cheating on each other and then penetrating Donald’s urethra? The Academy reached a decision rather quickly, but one of the committee unearthed arcane bylaws that ruled out one of our top contenders. Unfortunately, Alvan An The Chipmunks 3 was written as a mix of serious drama, comedy, and afterschool special about rape. This confusing tone, and the author’s beliefs that he was the fanfic world anti-rape messiah, lead us to disqualify the story.

In the end, the decision came with a sudden epiphany: Donald and Daisy isn’t about cartoon characters at all. They’re referred to more often with real live human characteristics than with those of their cartoon animal counterparts! This wasn’t just any fanfic, it was a play written where the leads happened to share names with cartoon characters, and meant to be acted with 1940s era dramatic flare, or perhaps as an excerpt from The Passion Of The Christ. In any event, the academy awards Donald and Daisy the Robby for best drama. Love Beyond Circuits comes in as our runner up. Despite having a star studded cast and a star studded anal cavity, it didn’t really seem to have anything to say (although it did tell us what happened to Jar Jar after the prequels!)

Best Supporting Role

And The Nominees Are…

Howard Stern’s evil twin in Slutball

Screech in The One Gigantic Fix

Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care A Lot

Jabba the Hutt in Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh

Snoop Dogg in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3


In this category, there is no doubt that the side character who added the most to our proceedings has to be Cheer Bear in Slave Bear of Care-a-lot! Who gets points for creeping us all out without ever having to actually perform any sex act. Snoop Dogg’s appearance in Alvan and the Chipmunks 3 gets a mention here though, but not quite top caliber.

Best Comedy

And the Nominees Are…

Doomsday Womb


Dirty X Men


Love In The Smudge


One Gigantic Fix


Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


There was no way we could judge the number of overall times a story made us laugh, and to judge them on their best moment alone might let a story with just one particularly good point take the top spot when another was more consistently funny. Now, each of these stories was nominated for one particularly legendary and hilarious scene or theme. We have the author’s continued misunderestimation of what a vagina is in Dirty X Men, the ecosystem in Wonder Woman’s vagina in Love In The Smudge, the pity-masturbation-party in The One Gigantic Fix, the scene where Potimus uses Jar Jar’s severed penis to fuck Princess Leia in Love Beyond Circuits and… Finally… EVERY SINGLE PART of Doomsday Womb which is our obvious and natural winner. ComicsNix was in rare form for that story, and it will remain the standard for batshit insanity in all future FFFs. We’re going to give the runner up status to Dirty X Men, not for the fanfic, but for Rob’s commentary, which was easily his best of the year including such exasperated gems as “OH MY GOD I WILL SEND YOU A PICTURE OF A VAGINA, JUST PLEASE STOP TALKING”

Most Devastating


And the Nominees are…

Day of Reckoning


Loyal Heart Babysits

How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story)


Frailty


Lessons Learned on Sesame Street

The Academy would rather not have to examine these nominees any closer than absolutely necessary: It certainly takes its toll--murder/suicide and dismemberment seem less evil when put up against abortion fetish and anthroinfantobeastiality. Indeed in Day of Reckoning showing off wrongness seems to be the entire point, with Cyclops madly throwing maggots and worms on a bed and then raping someone amidst the squirming mass, which is wrong, but at least the author clearly knows that. Abortion is legal, though what Videl is doing in her story should be punishable by…well, what Scoot does to Loga in Day Of Reckoning. So we’re down to three…. No one here honestly wants to read these to pick, but this is the task we vowed to complete. Alright, we know that all three of the remaining nominees are awful and illegal… We tried to judge them on the number of heinous crimes committed in each, but we lost count somewhere around 24.

What it comes down to is this: What happened to Elmo was so wrong that he counter-raped Maria for it… so that’s pretty bad, bad enough for the runner up… but the last story, and the winner, Loyal Heart Babysits, contains no moral compass. The horrifying events that occur therein are presented in a happy go lucky fashion that makes it more morally repugnant than the other two. The tone is similar to the works of legendary FF writer Brickhouse Bunny 21 wherein the writer displays no remorse for the characters actions, and that bears are once more the victims. Why is it always the bears? WHHYYYYY? Lessons Learned on Sesame Street comes in a very close second.

Best Couple

And the Nominees are…

Kirk and Spock in For Better or Immersed

Batman and Robocop in The Day The Men Found Love

Lois Lane and a Cucumber in Farmgirl Lois


Some crazy chick and Optimus Prime in When Optimus And I Met And Fell In Love

Dobby and Professor Trelawney in The True Meaning of Liberty


Donald and Daisy Duck in Donald and Daisy


Zelda and a Snake in Zelda Swallowed By a Snake

Sonic and Tails in After The Orgy

This category isn’t just about good pairings or great sexual scenes, this is about the meaning of these relationships, and how well the writer conveys that. Could they last forever? Could it be true love? Or is it a doomed enterprise, a pair of star-crossed lovers? Sometimes, when the characters are entangled in the tentacles of passion, it’s hard to tell for them and for the reader as well. We’re going to try to find meaning in these beautiful and tender romantic tales… Join us, won’t you?

Kirk and Spock are really about that wedding vow. These two guys are turned into fish people, possibly forever, but in spite of that tribulation, or perhaps because of it, they can still see to each other’s manly needs. Batman and Robocop on the surface seem to be forced to enter anal sex with each other for a rather contrived reason, but on that homeless person’s mattress they found true love, a love that both knew was doomed from the start, which only made it more meaningful to the two. Lois Lane and her cucumber was just a passing fling, and Lois treats it as this. There is no pity that soon her cucumber must be chopped up and eaten, no sadness for her lover’s passing. Perhaps these feelings are hidden too deeply to be easily apparent in a poorly written erotic fanfic, but all the same, it doesn’t seem very romantic. Sonic and Tails is another classic pairing, but they fall by the wayside because Sonic is a homophobe.

The crazy chick who wrote about fucking Optimus Prime seems to have watched “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”a little too often, and her story seems to be little more than something for her to flick her bean to. Again, not very romantic. Also, she loses points for being crazy: If she ever did meet Optimus Prime, she wouldn’t romance him; she’d give him Autobotroofies and keep him in a pit in her basement. Dobby and Professor Trelawney seem to be in the throes of passion, and Trelawney is somewhat drunk on cooking sherry at the time, so we’re not sure we can say that this is love so much as Dobby experiencing his freedom. Perhaps he will be free to pleasure Professor McGonnagal later on that same night? Consider it, and this looks less like true love. Donald and Daisy Duck do go through some hard times, but Jesus died on the cross so that their indiscretions could be forgiven… and then repeated in the second half, sigh… This looks more like “To Blave” than “True Love”. Lastly we have the doomed romance of Zelda and a Snake. Jealous Link kills the snake in the end, as we know he must. I don’t want to get into the Freudian aspects of wanting to eat your lover, or to exist permanently inside your lover, but I think there was something there. Zelda found something special inside that snake, something many of us search for our whole lives, something that will go on forever in Zelda’s heart.

In the interests of love, we can afford a tie. Look at it as splitting the category into best new pairing and best classic pairing. Batman and Robocop share the Robby with Kirk and Spock--congratulations to both of them, and to Zelda, the remaining half of our runner up couple.


Best Anal Penetration Scene (consensual)

And The Nominees Are…

The Day The Men Found Love


After The Orgy


Love In The Smudge


Arthur The Piggy


Goten’s Birthday


This is a hard category to judge. Unlike traditional penis vs. vagina sex, anal sex seems to, in fanfic, require some preamble. In The Day The Men Found Love Robocop fucks Batman with a smoke grenade so Batman’s secret identity won’t be revealed. Love In The Smudge involves Shrek pegging Wonder Woman so she can sleep despite “feeling like a pork chop” Arthur The Piggy… I don’t even know, but I believe that tongues are inserted into anuses in order to clean out barbecue sauce. Goten’s Birthday involves anal sex between various characters as a birthday tradition. After The Orgy has no special reason for what goes on, except that it is part of a Greek tragedy. A Greek tragedy involving anal sex by homophobic hedgehogs. The last two seem to have the least elaborate setups, and any butt hole will tell you that setting up properly is important to anal sex.

Down to three, and how to judge? Well, it’s quite simple really. All three stories contain anal sex… but how much consent is there? How much do the characters care about each other? In Arthur The Piggy, our heroes are not over the age of consent (in people years at least, what the fuck is the age of consent for an aardvark?) so that one’s out. The last two are easy. Diana doesn’t seem pleased that Shrek is “Doing what orks do best” with his “decomposing dick”. It takes some convincing, and is a one time extramarital affair. In The Day The Men Found Love, the winning story, Batman and Robocop know their relationship is fleeting due to the need to go kill stupid shit hippies, but this makes their relationship more special, not less. Like a desert flower that only blooms for one day, tentacle rapes you, and then dies. Those men found happiness in each other’s orifices, if only for a moment. Kudos to you, Batman. Kudos to you Robocop. Kudos to you, phallic smoke grenade! Arthur The Piggy gets the runner up spot, because those cartoon animals seemed to have a really great time licking barbecue sauce off each other.

Best Anal Penetration Scene (nonconsensual)

And the Nominees are…

Slutball


Slave Bear of Care A Lot


Harry Potter And The Creepy House


Harry Potter And The Surprise Package


Creepy Scooby Doo

Once again we have several deserving candidates here. But, we must ask the question: Is quantity of butt rape important when judging this category? Slutball definitely has all the others beat for shear rapeyness, but the story actually repeats the same concept over and over again enough that it becomes less horrifying due to quantity, even though the moose Borg thing was certainly a novel touch. It should be noted that, of the remaining entries, 3 use the word “creepy”, two of them in their titles! Is creepy a byword for forcible sodomy? You decide!

Next, we narrowed it down still further by removing Slave Bear of Care A Lot and Creepy House, because the sodomy in those wasn’t made quite bizarre enough. So, coming down to it, we have a story where Harry gets raped and impregnated with alien penis monsters and ultimately murdered, by Hermione of course, and a story where Shaggy gets tentacle raped by a suddenly betentacled Fred who forces him into the arrangement by threatening to fuck Scooby Doo if Shaggy doesn’t join in. These are both truly repulsive works of fanfiction, hell, all of these are… and the only way we can think to judge them is to simply put two excerpts up and figure out which is worst:

“She hadn't expected him to know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready… Harry's spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.”

Or

“Fred hates Shaggy. He yells out to Daphne, "Shaggy won't put one in his mouth!" Daphne walks by with his arms full of friedworks, says, "Bet Scooby would," and hops off the bus.”

The number of errors in that one last sentence, fried fireworks, Daphne having a masculine pronoun, the mystery machine being called a bus, and the continued implied threat that a dog may be tentacle raped all make Creepy Scooby Doo the unquestionable winner in this category and leave Harry’s poor asshole a sore second.

Best Fetish

And the Nominees are…

Night of The Beast for motorcyclophilia

For Better Or Immersed for Scalies

Neon Muscle Evangelion for muscle fetish

Zelda Swallowed By A Snake for, well, Zelda getting swallowed by a snake… in a sexy way
(it's called "vorephilia", dude!--The Editor)

Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirth Adventure for unbirthing fetish

How Videl Discovered Her Abortion Fetish (AKA: The Other Story ) for abortion fetish

The Scientific Method for …. I really don’t fucking know, but it’s sick.

A quick word on the Academy’s reasoning here. It is true-- we didn’t add the two coprophilious fetish stories. Considering FFF featured two of those it seems a bit too common to be very shocking. Farmgirl Lois is out because the fruit and vegetable fucking seems to be but a convenient vehicle for her libido rather than a fetishized habit. Enema fetish is also out, because we saw two stories featuring that one, and it gets old quick. And although diaper fetish is fairly well known as well, we chose not to add the two stories involving diapers because that was secondary to the horrible pedobestiality. So, we’re left with six very bizarre stories that are largely focused on seven fetishes that we are all, hopefully, new to.

We have Wolverine getting aroused by motorcycles and then fucking a sentient one. We have Kirk and Spock being turned on by the fact that they are mutated fish men and feeling each others gills. The Evangelion girls are muscular and this is apparently sexy. Zelda getting eaten by a snake is sexy too, even to Zelda, the snake’s victim. Unbirthing fetish wherein Brianna is regressed to infancy and then into, sigh, a fetus inside of Rebecca and finally abortion fetish, wherein a fetus is destroyed with arousing results for Videl. And then there’s Aragorn going deep into Frodo’s newly developed Mines of Moria…

You know what finally decides it for me? Sex acts. Wolverine fucks something. He uses his penis in a traditional way, on a non traditional target. Kirk and Spock perform a homosexual act, which is totally cool and ok, just they happen to be fish while they do it. Zelda, despite being eaten by a snake or more likely because of it, masturbates. Videl does likewise while thinking about her abortion. Two fanfics remain that are set apart for one reason: The human sex organs are never utilized for anything traditionally associated with sex. The author of Rebecca and Brianna’s Unbirthing Adventure, our winner, didn’t need to think about actual sex to get off. She just needed to imagine shrinking a woman and shoving her into her uterus. That’s devotion to your fetish. Neon Muscle Evangelion just seems too benign, and as such we have decided that Zelda Swallowed By A Snake and Videl Discovers Her Abortion Fetish share the runner up spot for introducing us to two things we never knew were so very, very sexy.

Best Death Scene

And the Nominees are…


Sailor’s Lament


The Bitch Must Pay


Urine


Harry Potter And The Surprise Package


Day Of Reckoning

This is a fairly easy category. Death is something we can all deal with. The other fanfic subject matter, not so much. However, for many of these authors, death isn’t enough. Dying a horrible, humiliating, painful death seems to be where it’s at for them. Fox McCloud’s urine soaked murder at the hands of his wife and that Sailor Moon girl getting eaten by a cat seem tame compared to the other fare here. The Bitch Must Pay is written merely as a celebration of feminine vindictiveness, not something to “masturbate” to as one FF author might put it. Down to the top, or perhaps bottom two, we have Harry Potter having his butt raped and then exploded by cryptophallids, and of course, well, the sordid events of Day Of Reckoning… We can tell by the fact that none of us wish to even describe the events of Day Of Reckoning that it deserves to win. All the characters in the story die in a scene reminiscent of the tale of Oedipus. Surprise Package pulls off another close second.

Best Story


And the Nominees are…

Day of Reckoning


Harry Potter and the Surprise Package


Doomsday Womb


Love Beyond Circuits Love Beyond Flesh


Love In The Smudge


Lessons Learned On Sesame Street


Dirty X Men

All of these fanfics got tens in Hilarity/Insanity. They each got a perfect ten in another category too, usually WHY? However, what really clinched it were the second and third categories. Day of Reckoning would have been very much in the running, except that it only had 3 characters and no impact on the setting. Love in the Smudge and Dirty X Men fell to this pitfall as well, making the choice for our top fanfic much simpler. The winner of the 2010 Robby award for best picture is…

Lessons Learned on Sesame Street with a score of 48 out of a possible 50. The only category it faltered slightly in was Scope- the story only involved like, four characters… Still, that was 4 too many in our book. The limited cast and world building was somewhat alleviated by the consequences the author put forth involving monster babies resulting from Elmo rape… oh god, why are we doing this?

This fanfic was deeply scarring because of the subject matter, detail and bizarre things the characters did. No other fanfic in recent memory has attacked a beloved and innocent part of our childhoods so insidiously. It beat out both runners up by a full 4 points. The rest of the pack was at least 10 points behind this magnum opus of perversion. Speaking of, the runners up were

Harry Potter and the Surprise Package


And

Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh


Each with 44 points



Thanks to JM, Ruby, Rob, all the winners and nominees, and the degenerate psychopaths who craft these magnificent entertainments/arguments for human extinction.

See you next year/in Hell!


Scooter Atreides (wearing Billy Crystal's harvested skin)

THE TTOS BEST OF 2010

Happy New Year, Peoples!


I have no idea what Playboy bunny costumes have to do with New Year's--I only know they show up in nearly every Anime/Hentai pic that has a New Year's theme. Must be a Japanese thing.

(FROM THE FUTURE:  My girl informs me that 2011 is the Year of the Rabbit, and even though that's from the Chinese Zodiac, it's apparently "trendy" to recognize it in Japan--Thanks Scout! (^3^) )

I know I've been away a little while--my fault. I've been lazy. But the Holidays are over, and I'm resolved to bringing you lucky people the best Nerd/Comedy/Current Events material a free, not-for profit blog can offer in 2011!

Arright, now I know I haven't technically been here for an entire year, and I didn't build up any signifigant momentum as far as readers go until late September. Regardless, I thought I'd share with you the top ten posts of 2010 (okay, technically the top ten posts of 9 months of 2010 and 4 days of 2011, but close enough, dammitXD)

I was as objective as possible: I personally did not choose any of these, instead, I just looked at the Stats. So these are the ten posts you folks visited the most often, for whatever reason.

Yes, I'm afraid most of these are mine--just worked out that way. and there are a lot of great writers here who aren't mentioned at all. Unfortunately, most of them are either too new, haven't written very much, or both--I'll give them their due in another post soon--Promise! <3

Follow me to the Top 10--after the jump!




Ok, for perspective's sake, the website itself has received 31,281 views since it started. These are the individual posts which have received the largest number of views, starting with #10...But first, have another one of these:

I just like 'em is all...^///^
(my girl taught me Asian Emoticons--wonder if I can list them on a job application as a second language)

10. SCOOTER'S HALLOWEEN MEMORIES: THE COSTUME SHOP 226 Pageviews

This was the first post I ever left the house to get pics and info for--almost like real journalism!XD

God, I love this place!

9. A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFICTION AUTHORS, PART ONE 240 Pageviews

The first in my series of exposes (imagine the accent my keyboard can't provide: ex-poe-saays) on the various bizarre species of writer that populate Topless Robot's weekly Fan Fiction Friday segment

8. Know Your Meme? Lighten The Fuck Up! 245 pageviews

One of the very first things I wrote for this blog was this rant against KYM for their sanctimonious rejection of the Topless Robot spawned meme: WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS? It was relatively ignored until recently when KYM's snubbing was brought up on TR, and I offered the Roboteers a link to this diatribe.

7. CONGRATULATIONS, COLLEEN! 328 Pageviews

Frankly, this is nothing more than me showering accolades on TTOS contributor/babe Colleen Seelke after her very first post, back on the old SOHB.

I'm guessing the popularity involves the pic of a semi-shirtless Robin Dunne I posted as a way of thanking her.

6. SCOOTER REVIEWS SOMETHING! A LOOK AT COMEDY CENTRAL'S UGLY AMERICANS 359 Pageviews

The first review I ever wrote...That is all.

5. Anti FFF "The Kikyo Effect" 359 pageviews (5 and 6 are technically a tie)

The first of Dr. Abraxas' brilliant series showcasing the other side of fanfiction (the well-written, mature, and interesting side...yes, there is such a thing)

4. A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFICTION AUTHORS, PART THREE 415 Pageviews

Apparently this series has been fairly popular, and there are more entries coming in the new year. Some of you may be interested to know that this very post is where I christened the TR Superfriends!

3. POLL RESULTS: TTOS SETTLES THE INTENSE, DIVISIVE DEBATE CONCERNING EMMA WATSON'S HAIR!  612 Pageviews

Multiple pictures of Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame are likely the source of this post's popularity...Sure, I can pretend it's my acerbic wit or superlative vocabulary--but why live in denial? I'll ride the wave of folks who want to bang Hermione Granger--doesn't bug me! XD

2. COMICSNIX! WISDOM FROM BEYOND TIME! 662 Pageviews

My insane theories about insanesier fanfic scribe ComicsNix.

1. Chuck's Mom Kicks Ass 772 Pageviews

Yep...Numero Uno ain't one o' mine! This is Colleen's synopsis of the first episode of Chuck, Season 4. And I actually haven't read it!

Now everyone here knows how much I love Colleen and her work, but I'm a Chuck fan and I've been unable to see any of it since the end of Season 2--ergo, I don't want any spoilers. So the most popular article on my blog is an article I can't read!XD


Thanks to all my lovely readers and contributors for making all this (such as it is) possible.

Have a great 2011, Peoples!

Scooter's Shiny New Year

NWN Album Reviews

Everyone always talks about the FFF band names, but I dont think thats taking it far enough. What sort of music would the bands play? Who would sing in them? What would their songs be called?

Well, I've answered those questions that likely werent meant to be answered. All of the band and song names are taken from FFFs mostly in the past 2 years. Damn its a lot easier sending material to someone else than trying to update my own website.





Cute Face Americans
The Cute Face Americans are well past their prime, but the aging boy band members have shown here that their twelve year old fans will still turn out to listen to over-coiffed 30 somethings sing hits from their older albums such as “I’m Going To Take Special Care of My Sweet Little Bear” and “You Are Even More Beautiful (without clothes on)” They also have some new material such as the Haiti disaster relief tune “On This Very Planet” They’re donating ten percent of the sales from their greatest hits CD to the Clinton-Bush earthquake relief fund, a real class act!

Penetration Moment
Taking the spot vacated by the Cute Face Americans in the heart of tweens everywhere, Penetration Moment have shot to fame with their latest album titled Save Every Minute which features the hit single “Just Give It Some Time To Work” and the sultry “I Fear That I Must Break Your Virginity” Speaking of breaking, Penetration Moment’s guitarist, Scoot Summers, is reportedly recovering from a fractured toe after a gang of teenage girls mobbed him when he was cut off from his security detail. The staff of NWN Music wishes him a speedy recovery!

The Milk junkies
The Milk Junkies (named as an allusion to their Straight Edge beliefs) show their Boston roots in the latest LP with aggressive, dangerous punk. I really enjoyed the crashing drum solo at the end of “The Others Were All Shredded”. Another jewel in this album that is starting to get some local radio play is their emo flavored “Unfurl and Sputter” This band has been touring extensively and is ready to move up in the world. I greatly look forward to their next album.

Old Fashion Pants Off Spankings
OFPOS have been around seemingly forever. Apparently they noticed as much because they’ve tried to reinvent themselves in their latest album. Their efforts include going more of a hard-core route with their single “Mucus Sucked” and even, sadly, dashing into ham-fisted political commentary that would make Yoko Ono squirm with their vegan anthem “Leave The Meat Intact Because It Is Sin” Some bands get better with age. The Pants Off Spankings are not among them, frankly I wish they’d heed their name and go back to their old fashioned Sex Pistol style punk rock.

Tokyo Gynecologist
Few critics know just what to make of Tokyo Gynecologist. The band has broken with many conceptions and their latest album, written by eccentric Italian lead singer who goes only by the name Engorgio, is a smorgasbord of the random. Notable tracks include “Take Me To London”, a break-core ballad sure to get some play in clubs, and the esoteric “Beauty Cleavages and Serpent Arses” which, to my ear, seemed to be little more than a series of washing machine noises and samplings of the drummer’s boyfriend pitching some kind of strange anal tampon. I would buy this album, but only if the profits went towards psychological help for the band members.

Spread Eagle On The Hoverbed
The music world thought it had seen the last of Oliver Wayne when his previous band, “Laughing Shimmer of Metallic Pain” failed and split up. However he’s reorganized and found a new keyboardist and begun to play clubs under the name “Spread Eagle On The Hoverbed”. Their self titled first album was just released and I was lucky enough to get a first copy. Being a fan of his from his days with Laughing Shimmer I was elated, and Wayne has lost none of his potency. The pulsing beats of “Much Update System” reminded me of the good old days in the old clubs, while newer more experimental jams such as “I’m Afraid The Rejuvenation Chamber Won’t Be Enough” include funkadelic elements while remaining true to the band’s roots. Five stars!

Mamed Sweet Sister
Death Metal is a genre you either love or hate, and no band enjoys hatred more than Mamed Sweet Sister. The hard rocking, hard drinking band, is presently a trio. It seems their bassist is on hiatus after injecting what he describes as “a strange and unknown liquid” which, unlike his customary heroine, “removed his powers”. However Mamed Sweet Sister are still doing shows and pumping out new material and finding new ways to scream about dead babies and the ancient Roman snake deity they worship. Their latest album, “Give Me The Hard Fuck” features the almost hummable arena metal anthem “Hail Corbra”, apparently a song of praise to the aforesaid God, and they’ve shown that they haven’t gone soft with “Alomst Dead Baby”. A metal band that hasn’t sold out, I give them four stars!

Trust The Squid
Trust The Squid have gone against the wishes of the National PTSA, at least two papal bulls and a Muslim fatwa calling for their deaths, and created a new album. After their last album, “Giant Lawnmowers Will Grind Everyone To Dead” one might think the shock rockers had little left to astonish soccer moms and the religious right. However, their new effort, “Simile Apocalypse” features even more aggressive bass riffs, and the headline song “Abortion Fetish” is sure to turn heads. The band list their favorite movie on Myspace as “The Davinci Code” a fitting film as they’ll probably be getting hunted down by Opus Dei any time now.

Daggerous
Daggerous are fresh off a tour with My Chemical Romance and ready to push their latest album, “Robocop, It’s So Cold Here” I sat down with lead singer Karl Voldo and guitarist Bill Ivy for a chat. While they fiddled with their black hoodies and strained under the pressure of their ladies cut jeans, they told me about the personal problems that led to songs such as “Hungry Or Ashamed” and “Slowly Splintering Mind” Frankly though, I couldn’t give a toss. 1 star.

Throbbing glory
Throbbing Glory, on the other hand, continue to redefine the genre labeled as emo on a daily basis, while simultaneously rejecting the label. We can forgive them that bit of pretension because their latest album is full of melancholy classics such as “Failing Backwards” and “Random Movements, Gestures” They’re set to play Ozzfest this summer, and while I can’t speak for the rest of our staff here, I intend to be there!

Twin Brother and the Hairy Apes
This band does some genuinely great rock and roll, and in an era when everyone is trying to be different and new, that’s kind of refreshing. Their Drummer, Richard Kennedy, was just released from rehab after a tragic car crash that claimed the life of his six groupies. No idea how they all fit into his Porsche.. Anywho, Twin Brother and the Hairy Apes latest CD is full of fist pumping old style rock that will have aging baby boomers and younger people with taste nodding their heads to songs such as “Rapid Heartbeat Almost Lover” and their Queen inspired anthem “Everyone Here Is In Trouble Now” Send a message to the site mod from Yiffstar, these bad boys of rock are going on tour this summer, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Twat Nipples
Twat Nipples, a disturbed duo who go by the names “Slush” and “Glurp” have been building a following in the mid west, mainly because there is nothing else to do in the mid west. Their angry and insane songs include madness such as “I’m Going To Toss You Down The Goddamn Stairs”, a song their lead wrote about his troubled relationship with his mother, and the time he tossed her down the goddamn stairs, and “Suck A Soft And Redful Hair”, a song apparently written about Glurp’s ample red pubic bush. Avoid if possible.

And No Bra
In the tradition of Shonen Knife comes And No Bra, a femme-punk band that, unlike Old Fashioned Pants Off Spankings, actually know what they’re talking about when they try to make a political statement. Sadly, that doesn’t make them any less annoying. Front-person Loonis Lane is still forcing her agenda on everyone from statements against eating meat in the song “Amazing Salad” to equating Christianity and its holidays with sexual assault in “No More Rape and Presents” Might be soothing to women on their period. 2 Stars.

Mechanical Penis Weekend
Feuding members of MPW have announced that their next world tour will be their last as a band, describing it as a "Departing Rim Job", as the shows occur around the Pacific Rim. This is fitting, as only the Japanese seem to be able to understand just what this band is up to. The lead singer has bitterly claimed that Americans simply don't get their deep messages, but it's hard to look for messages in their latest album "Furiously Onto The Corn" when the animated video for its main song, the experimental electronica "Turn Me Into A Chipunk Or I'll Kill Your Son" features a pair of panties committing tentacle rape on their suddenly androgynous synthesizer player. One might accuse them of pandering.

Alvan feat. Snoop Dog
This single features the song "Equally Naked" from Alvan's "Rappin With Whips and Gear" album. The video is phenomenal, especially when Snoop busts into da house to flip up lines such as "The girls must be hoes because with hoes you don't feel love for them" A throw back to the days when rap was just about bitches and weed, whereas it has now degraded to being about bitches and weed and bling.

Cousin Butt
Cousin Butt, the easy going yet awkward stoner rockers left over from the 90s, are still putting out fantastic music. Their mysterious front man who goes by the title “The Duke” hasn’t lost his ability to pen quirky half poems that will work well in the latest Wes Anderson film or what have you. Acceptable songs from their latest album include “Anxiety Erection” and the delightfully dorky “I Think I Found Narnia” which I’m told came to be when one of their members was shoved into an armoire and wrote the song while he waited to be let out.

Nanaporbes! At The Destro
Rumors that Nanaporbes! Was planning to drop their current guitarist in favor of a Mr. Bricken, may have some merit after all, as shown in these comments from their manager: “They already know who Rob Bricken is and they’re on my side as we speak.” No word yet as to whether they plan to drop the exclamation point from their name though. Regardless of changes in line up, they’ve already produced a fairly danceable album this year “Everyone Does It Sort Of” features the songs “Severed Heads Pass Out”, “Bring Me Four Tranq Rifles A Vial of Nerve Toxins and A Camera” and one that’s already become popular in the clubs titled “That’s Right, Donald, I’m A Bisexual” They’ve also pushed the limit of their song with a long name gimmick with “Even If You Had Nothing To Do With It I Don’t Care And The Mods Agree With Me”

No Way Hose
No Way Hose may not be touring again for some time. Rumor has it that lead singer David Garrett may have mutilated his genitals in his suite at the Mariott Hotel. Despite the fact that during our last interview all he did was leer at me in a creepy fashion and demand “How does it look?” I proceded to summarize his previous album, but was interrupted with “No, not the album. Your cunt.” Despite having to ask him to step out of my office, I still greatly enjoy the grunge themed music his band was creating until his tragic testicular accident. Notable songs from what might well be their last album include “Penetraculating” and “Wet Private Hole”

Buster The T
Buster The T continues his effort to kill rap in his latest release. The album features typical elaboration on the stereotypical rap lifestyle, and especially odes to Buster’s hos, such as “Root Her” and “You Mouth Is Tickling My Wee Wee”. Apparently the video shoot for Yo Mouth was called off when Buster got mixed up and found himself in a hot tub full of money, drinking diamonds, smoking a ho, and having sex with a bag of marijuana. He’s in stable condition and expected to be back on tour once he has his stomach pumped. The ho is also expected to recover once skin grafts are complete.

Wisdom of FFF

Hello my Children. Your Mistress of Mirth, Colleen, has just read FFF. So today's post shall be in dedication to our weekly mental rape, courtesy of Rob Bricken.

Thank You Rob Bricken!

Today I'm going to impart the wisdom that one can learn from Fan Fiction Friday.

First, from today's FFF, the only way to make a Care Bear care again, is to gang rape them.

There are NO GREATER fucked-up individuals than erotic Pokemon fanfiction authors.

ComicsNix is fanfiction God. He is our souls' salvation for FFF.

Optimus Prime's anus features better living quarters than my apartment.

One can determine how fucked up the story is by the number of melting faces or exploding heads.

No matter how fucked up the story is, Abraxas will MAKE IT SO MUCH WORSE.

Rickicker will kill himself...spectacularly...after an Abraxas comment.

One can measure the depth of one's corruption by how little a FFF hurts.

And finally listen to Yoda when he says "Oh YEAH, SHACK THAT ASS!"

Anti-FFF "In The Wake"

I need to apologize to my fellow TR SuperFriends for being out of touch this week. Suffice it to say a lot of school related work came to a head and needed my attention. Anyway, today I am free...to torment Rob...er...yeah.

Speaking about Rob.... YAY, I got my shirt! :) It's too bad I do not have a camera. It would be my entry for that Nerd in Nerdom thread Scooter wants us to do.

I promise good FFF as opposed to typical FFF. This week's column features a work that I love immensely. (Or, in WalMart-terms, I want to mix DNA with it all over teh place.) Yes, I love it. It inspired my own "Somebody Who Loves Me" a fluffy/fuzzy/warmy feeling story. And that's not a place I venture into ordinarily. It's also (hold on to your lightsabres!) Sam/Bumblebee.

Yes, Sam/Bumblebee!

Electrosexuality - with a twist. It's about romance not sex. It's not a ComicsNix joint. It examines the emotional side of the Sam/Bumblebee ship and does so in a very touching and realistic (!) manner.

In The Wake by Piscaria

A few notes about the story. It relies on a couple of bits of fanon. Namely, that the "spark" is like a soul and that the Transformers are able to project realistic 3-D holograms of themselves. This is referred to as holo!Bee (or holo!Prime, holo!Megatron, etc). Myself, I only ventured into that holo-territory once (see above) as it's not my favorite way to approach human/bot ships. I like to keep bots as bots! (Now, admit it, machines can be ubber-sexy - you know it!)

In other news - I re-watched Avatar last night. It's officially out of the theaters :( yet I managed to watch it 5 times during its re-release :) I've completed, in first draft form, two Na'vi related stories. And! I'm trying to learn the Na'vi language. I leave it to your imagination to figure out why. >:D

Anti-FFF "The Kikyo Effect"

Welcome to the very first instalment of my anti-FFF column! It won't be like FFF as I won't focus on MST'ing or commenting line-by-line. Rather, I'll mostly talk about fandom and link to works I feel go against the FFF-grain. I'll make an attempt to keep it clean, although...who knows what may slip in from time to time!

On TR and, let's face in fandom in general, I'm a bit of a controversial writer. I don't look at the world the way others do (to say the least) and I'm not afraid to explore those depths writers fear to tread. I've got a penchant for horror with the occasional moments of comedy. And, of course, the erotic stuff. I write to please myself and my friends - those who appreciate my twisted sense of humor - and that's that.

I like to think I'm difficult to pin as the kind of writer who works with one and only one genre. I don't believe writers of any stripe should be pigeonholed. That extends to my belief that in fandom people ought to be free to explore any pairing (termed 'ship') they like regardless of popularity, canon, etc. I'm of the philosophy that, if it makes a good story, why not? The works I post, whether by me or by others, will be quite of mix of styles, characters, fandoms, and everything I get my hands on. I may also talk about original published works.

Like any writer I've got favorite subjects and interests and they bleed into my work. For example, the theme of grotesque biological experimentation. It appears in my Thundercat story "Bengali's New Art" then resurfaces in my Inuyasha fanfic "Against Nature".

One of my favorite topics is the occult. I look at stuff like conspiracy as fodder for fiction. On a few occasions I figured out ways to marry occult with fanfiction. This anti-FFF is just such an example.

- The Basics -

It's an Inuyasha AU fanfic. (AU is alternate universe). You do need to know your Inuyasha canon to understand this work. In case you are unfamiliar with it, though, I offer these facts:

1) the anime is set in Feudal Era and Modern Japan; a well at the Higurashi (shinto) temple connected the two timeframes; Inuyasha and Kagome were able to travel back and forth through that well

2) the demon, Naraku, was a shapeshifter who took the form of a Feudal Era nobleman named Kagewaki; Naraku was obsessed with Kikyo (Inuyasha's Feudal Era GF and Kagome's past-life); Kikyo died in the very first episode then gets resurrected as a living clay doll by a demon

3) Kagome Higurashi, lives in a temple in Modern Japan, and is recognized as a shinto Miko (or priestess) in Feudal Japan; while it's never said explicitly I always took it to mean that she came from a long line of Shinto priests/priestesses

4) Hojo is a classmate of Kagome's who may or may not have been in love with Kagome.

Now, aside from the facts, there's another thing to know. It's not 'canon', though, it's mostly fanon. Inuyasha's family, the Tashio, is a very powerful dog demon clan. When it's portrayed in Modern Japan, invariably it's always Inuyasha's brother Sesshoumaru who's alive and in charge of a great industrial empire or something of the sort. I borrowed that fanon in the making of the story.

The story itself is pretty self-explanatory about its plot and backstory. To summarize - an American occultist and investigator of NAZI-centric conspiracy theory becomes obsessed with what the Japanese may have been working on during WWII. Along the way he uncovers experiments that could have been related to 'the Bell' of NAZI fame. I throw into this story a lot of stuff from a lot of places. The Montuak and Philadelphia Experiments. Alternate theories involving NAZI-UFO's and what the Rosewell incident could have been about. I manage to work all of this into a story involving demon Naraku's attempt to bring Kikyo back to life while working with the war time Japanese government in their quest for superweapons. It's also a horror story very much in the flair of HP Lovecraft. I consider it one of my best. Enjoy...if you can!

Link to "The Kikyo Effect"

A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFIC AUTHORS, PART FOUR(SPECIAL EDITION)

Eve-nin'


If you haven't read Colleen "Jedisilk" Seelke's inaugural post as a card-carrying SOHB author, stop right here, scroll down, and give it a gander. I'm not going anywhere.

Thing is, I don't want to steal the spotlight, but seeing the work of my contributors on this humble little blog has inspired me, and though a sane person would be asleep at this hour, I just had to crack open my head and see what I could pour out(I don't know what that's supposed to mean, either. That's what I get for posting at 3:40 in the morning)

So here we are at Part Four of my in depth look at the world of fanfic. This one is signifigant because the species we are discussing tonight happens to frequent this very blog--Ladies and Gentlemen, SOHB presents:

CHAPTER FIVE: THE EVIL GENIUS
( Example Specimen: http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/07/fan_fiction_friday_sokka_in_momo_do_you_dream_of_h.php#more)





The author of this particular tale goes by the name Abraxas, and he is a textbook example of this rare and disturbing breed.

You see, most fanfic scribes couldn't put together a well constructed, thought-provoking, or engrossing work of literature to save their miserable lives. Hell, many have enough trouble with basic grammar, vocabulary,  and spelling. More importantly, most simply don't care: Telling an interesting story simply isn't part of their motivation. The other species I've described write fics for sexual titillation(their own and occasionally that of others), to shock and disgust, to express contempt for existence, and so forth. With these as your goals, possessing actual writing skills becomes totally superfluous.

Now here comes the "Evil Genius", why this title? Because these fuckers can write! Call it misplaced priorities, but these individuals actually put real talent and ability into their work--even if that work is a detailed, clinical examination of the sex life of the "Snarf"(you know, the annoying cat-lizard thing from Thundercats?)

Abraxas isn't merely a subject of scientific study, he's also a founding member of the small cadre of Topless Roboteers who became regulars here at SOHB and call themselves, in honor of a weak jest I made, the TR Superfriends. I've corresponded with him and have found him to be an individual of good character--but the appellation Evil Genius stands because he knows exactly what he's doing when he writes his fanfics. He doesn't simply transcribe an outpouring of verbal diarrhea like so many of his contemporaries--his work is always neat, perfectly constructed, and deliberately phrased. He's the Hannibal Lecter of Fanfic, and I say this with all the respect in the world.

As I was researching this article, I came upon an old comment I made concerning one of his stories--the first I ever made specifically to him, here's a sample:

"In my 33 years I've seen all manner of pornography, fetishism, erotica, and of course, fanfic. What your story--which I cannot even name without spoiling it for future readers--describes I can say honestly I've never encountered, I don't think I would even be capable of conceptualizing it."

This comment refers to a story Abraxas wrote as a deliberate attempt to top what is commonly known at TR as "The Other Story"(a fic that nearly destroyed Rob Bricken). If you'd like to read it, first of all--no you wouldn't, second, I can't bring myself to link directly to it,  so look up Abraxas' page on Adultfanfiction.com, and may God have mercy on your soul(don't worry, you'll know it when you see it).

Now knowing that this tale was specifically designed to be horrific, rather than the rantings of a madman, should've dampened the effectiveness of this piece--it didn't, it's truly that depraved.

Is Abraxas insane? Short answer: Only when he wants to be.



That should suffice.

Oh, Brax? I'd love to have you on staff here--give it some thought and let me know.


Mornin'


Scoot-a-doodle-do

A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFIC AUTHORS, PART THREE(Also: Weekly FFF Support Group And Contest Think-Tank)

Yo,


Figured it was time I did a post people could actually read.

As much fun as I'm having with the Get Along Gang from TR, this is still a blog, and I must have one or two readers left who come here for the articles(I do, right? RIGHT?)

So, since tomorrow's Fan Fiction Friday, and I've invited the Super Friends over to lick their wounds afterwards, I thought this would be a good time to continue with my daring expose(don't know how to type accents)on those bizzare creatures who see fit to inflict fanfic upon the universe.

(and we may as well be the Super Friends, we come from all over the world, and we each have special powers: We've got two hot nerd chicks, a smooth-talking Brit, and an honest to Krom fanfic author. Me? I don't need powers--I run the Blog. )

All right: Pleasantries concluded--on with the show.


CHAPTER FOUR: The One-Armed Wordsmith
(Example Specimen: http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/06/fan_fiction_friday_the_x-men_in_dirty_x_men.php#more)


This species has interests that go beyond those of its cousins. It's not interested in shocking, mortifying, or scandalizing its audience, and it doesn't seek to suck all Goodness fom the world like so much strawberry-Mango smoothie(proof of the existence of Good if ever there was such). No, the One-Armed Wordsmith(who hereafter shall be referred to as "OAW")honestly finds his subject matter titillating, even if no one else in the universe does.

Essentially, the OAW's writing is little more than glorified spank material. The OAW's work can be distinguished by its detailed descriptions of sexual acts(degrees of accuracy vary between individuals). The OAW also tends toward characters who could "reasonably" be imagined as sexual partners. True, some skew towards the Shock-Jock by employing characters of incompatible ages or species, but these are the minority. For the most part, the OAW sticks with consentual acts between individuals of the same species and of appropriate age. However, DO NOT BE FOOLED! Just because they go easy on the bestiality, pedophilia, and sexual violence that permeate the fanfic world does not mean their stories aren't potentially scarring, disturbing, and repulsive.

Last week's offering is a good example(though not necessarily typical of the breed):http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/08/fan_fiction_friday_harry_potter_and_draco_malfoy_i.php
Disgusting as this tale is, it involved consenting adults engaging in non-violent practices. And it very much carries the hallmark of the OAW--the writer is absolutely in love with his material, and lavishes tender detail upon the acts described(unpleasant though they may be)

The main variation within this species is between those who are really only interested in arousing themselves(the majority), and those who actually seem to fancy themselves Erotica writers. This is usually where the few talented members of the species can be found--and once in a while they can produce works that are truly sexy--even to the sane!

Well, I think that should do it.

I'm glad you took the time to give this a read before just jumping in to the comments. You're not like the rest of them, you're a good person :)

Skewt-ur

A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFICTION AUTHORS, PART TWO

And now, our voyage into the nightmarish underworld of the fanfic writer continues...


CHAPTER THREE: THE NIHILIST
(Example Specimen:      http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/07/fan_fiction_friday_the_pokemon_story.php)


I have come to know this particular species very well as it thrives in the environs of Fan Fiction Friday. It has adapted itself so well to this habitat for two reasons: 1. Rob Bricken is an evil, evil man and 2. Topless Roboteers constantly urge Mr. Bricken to feature the darkest, most repellent, most soul-rendingly horrific works on FFF, and he is more than happy to oblige(see reason #1).


Unlike its cousins, the aforementioned Little Scamp and Shock-Jock, The Nihilist isn't interested in provoking his audience--truth be told, I'm not certain who or what The Nihilist's audience is supposed to be. What I do know is his work is not simply shocking or perverted or disgusting--The Nihilist seems to draw his purpose and inspiration from a deep and powerful hatred of all that is good, pleasant, innocent, and positive in the universe. Destruction of anything that affirms life or gives purpose to existence is his only goal.


Overly dramatic, you say? Pompous hyperbole or histrionics, perhaps? That's what the examples are for--click the link, take a gander at "The Pokemon Story". See if you can come up with any other possible motivation for writing such a thing. In fact, this is definitely a species you need to actually observe in nature to truly appreciate. I cannot do it justice, and to be absolutely honest, I don't really want to know why this creature does what it does.


More later, I need to pace myself when it comes to fanfic.

A FIELD GUIDE TO COMMON FANFICTION AUTHORS, PART ONE

Yo,


Lemme encapsulize the standard plea for forgiveness concerning my delinquence in posting which inevitably precedes every entry: Sorry. I suck.


So, today we're going to look into the strange and disturbing world of those mysterious denizens of the internet known collectively as fanfiction(or fanfic)authors. Of course, no discussion of this subject would be complete without a shout-out to my peeps at Topless Robot, whose marvelously entertaining weekly feature, FFF(FanFictionFriday) is what first introduced me to these fascinating creatures. (story examples are taken from the FFF archive)

Now, previous visitors to this rarely updated waste of cyberspace are likely well aware of the esteem I hold for time-traveling supergenius ComicsNix(and if you're not, scroll down a bit--it's ok, I'll wait), but all fanfic authors are by no means cut from the same cloth. They are a diverse breed of many different shapes, sizes, colors, and textures(and I would imagine, smells). We'll begin our analysis with one of the most commonplace varieties:


CHAPTER ONE: THE LITTLE SCAMP
(example specimen:   http://www.toplessrobot.com/2010/06/fan_fiction_friday_goku_gohan_goten_and_trunks_in.php#more)
This prolific species is defined not so much by the quantity of profanity and sexual references present in their work, but by their utterly clueless usage of these devices. They are the literary equivalent of a four year old who writes "Fuck" in crayon on the living room wall--he doesn't know what it means, he only knows that Mommy and Daddy sometimes say it, but if he says it, he gets a spanking. Look for absurd and/or impossible sexual acts as well as a marked lack of understanding of the physical realities behind "normal" sex. The Little Scamp's main goal, like the four year old, is to push buttons--to see how much he or she can get away with before "Mommy and Daddy" step in. When The Little Scamp matures(physically and/or mentally), if he has not grown out of his predilection for fanfic, then a metamorphosis occurs and he emerges as our next subject...


CHAPTER TWO: THE SHOCK-JOCK
(example specimen:           http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/12/fan_fiction_thursday_superman_and_porn_star_chantz.php#more)


Like The Little Scamp, The Shock-Jock delights in disgusting and scandalizing his audience. Unlike The Little Scamp, The Shock-Jock shows signs of actually knowing what he's talking about--plus he cannot be written off as simply immature, he knows exactly what he's doing. It seems probable that at some point, The Shock-Jock has actally had sex--or had someone describe it to him in enough detail that his stories seem remotely plausible, and are thus all the more terrifying. But brutal as his work may seem at first glance, The Shock-Jock almost never brings any actual literary skill to the table, and any pain his tales cause can be easily offset by ridiculing his lack of talent.


There's much more, but I think I'll save it for part 2

Until next time, dear friends.

COMICSNIX: WISDOM FROM BEYOND TIME! Part 2

Neon gas tubes apeared on the walls, and a range of different colors illuminate inside Optimus's ass with all colors of the spectrum. It was a really shame R2-D2 couldn't smell the daisy fragance permeating Optimus Prime's anus. R2 had no nose.



BOOM!

I thought I'd just hit ya with that straight off. No warning, no preparation, no time to brace yourself or down a shot, just the pure, unadulterated magic that is the Patron Saint of Fanfic, ComicsNix!


This comes from a story that was featured on my beloved Topless Robot's Fan Fiction Friday this week, so naturally I had to plumb it for the secret extratemporal messages I'm convinced are hidden somewhere amongst the Robotic Sodomy(I think I have their CD around here somewhere)and Alien Penis Grafts(saw them at the County Fair last summer--they suck). I think the cure for cancer is somewhere in this one. Must continue my studies. Think of this as The DaVinci Code, only with more "beautifully adorned rectums".


P.S. I won TR's weekly t-shirt contest last week, I'll be posting a picture of my prize as soon as it gets here, though I'm not sure if I'll be wearing it in the pic. I kinda like the idea of being all faceless and mysterious. And I kow I haven't been showing this blog the love it deserves, I'll try to have something new for my adoring, yet silent public at least once a week from now on.

COMICSNIX! WISDOM FROM BEYOND TIME!

Yo.


Since every moment you're on this blog is a moment away from porn, internet gambling, World of Warcraft, and other necessities of existence, I feel that it is my responsibility to offer you something of real value for your time.


Hence, I give you a new weekly feature, one I might actually keep current on: COMICSNIX! WISDOM FROM BEYOND TIME!


Should you be unfamiliar with the magnificence that is the works of ComicsNix, take a moment and scroll down to the link list on the left (and please enjoy the images of Christina Hendricks, Jewel Staite, and other Geek Goddesses whose visages beautify my otherwise bare and ugly little blog). I won't spoil the wonders you will find should you take my advice--suffice to say, ComicsNix is a fanfiction author regularly featured on Topless Robot's Fan Fiction Friday. Now, those of you conversant in fanfic may think you know what to expect: Deviant pornography featuring various sci-fi and cartoon characters and composed with no concept of syntax, vocabulary, or proper spelling. Well,  the work of ComicsNix is indeed all of this, but so much, SO MUCH more!


You're familiar with the concept of things coming full circle? Something so bad it becomes good, so ugly it  becomes beautiful? ComicsNix's stories are so brilliantly insane that instead of doubting HIS sanity, you begin to question your own. Imagine going back in time to the 15th century, gathering together the greatest minds of the era, and attempting to explain quantum physics to them. Naturally, the majority won't understand a word you're saying, it'll be pure gibberish to them. The rest will assume you've had congress with demons and call the inquisitors, but a few, a very, very, few just might suspect, if only unconsciously, that there is a great truth behind your words. They'll never be able to express exactly why they believe this, but it'll be enough to stick in their minds and cause them to question their own conceptions of reality.


Indeed, the more I read of ComicsNix the more I begin to suspect he is a time traveler from hundreds, maybe thousands of years in the future. He is attempting to use our primitive internet to pass on great knowledge that could perhaps be the salvation of the human race, but our feeble, undeveloped brains cannot process his ideas properly, and thus translate them into perverted fanfic.


So, each week I will present a kernel of extra-temporal wisdom from a ComicsNix story so that we may reflect on his words and perhaps decipher their deeper meaning--the fate of the Universe may depend upon it!


Read this, friends. Meditate upon it. Let it sink into your being:


"Nopes! You can't touch yourselves without my self approval condolences!" and she punches heavly in the face Buuble to the air, who flies like the lightining stairs of Andfromeda to the outer space screaming like a raped middle aged wapanese kangaroo.




Some of you may be hearing a faint dripping noise. Do not be alarmed: It is merely your brain liquefying and draining out your ears. Trust me, you'll not only get used to it, but come to enjoy it. Goodnight, folks. Ponder well.