Shippers, the bane of my existance: POTO Edition.

I don't know why, but shippers drive me up the wall. I dislike them with every core of my body. I hate that audiences of a book, musical, tv show, movie, cartoon, comic book, etc try to force two characters together because they feel that they belong, even when the actual writers of said characters chooses not to put them together. The only thing I hate more than shippers are Mary Sues.



I first ran into shippers when I frequented the X-Files chat room of Yahoo. I have never been on board with Mulder and Scully being involved in a relationship, because I don't agree with the formula that a woman and man who work together/hang out with each other/do something together automatically will be involved together. Unfortunately this is how a lot of shows/movies/etc seem to run. The characters are not together at first, but their relationship evolves from friendship to lovers. This doesn't always work in real life and it drives me bonkers. The majority of shippers are women, and I don't know if it says something about the female gender or what. I get the notion that a lot of women are like Marge Simpson; they feel that everything and everyone should be paired together. I know that there are always going to be exceptions to the rule (myself for example). Do women just want romance? Happy Endings? Am I just alone, when I enjoy a movie where the main guy and the main gal go their separate ways, or one dies, or they love someone else?

Today I would like to bitch about shippers in a novel-turned-multiple-franchise that I hold dear to my heart: The Phantom of the Opera.

I have been a 'phan' for quite some time. My parents had gone to see Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical in the early 90s in Toronto, where it was a permanent fixture of Canadian Broadway for over 20 years. My mom brought back the soundtrack and played it constantly, inspiring me to find out more about the production.

Lucky for me, our library had a copy of the novel and I took it out in grade 4. It wasn't really the easiest novel for me to get through with my preconceived notions of what should happen based on my knowledge of the musical. My favourite thing about this book though, was the wonderful artwork of Greg Hildebrandt. I actually found the book at an online used book store and bought it for sheer nostalgia (and pretty pictures!).

I finally saw the stage production in 1997, during one of its final years. Shortly, the musical left Toronto, although occasionally it comes back for a month performance. When the 2004 movie came out, I was ecstatic because it meant I could watch it whenever I wanted, provided it was a word for word reproduction of the musical. For the most part, it is. I did have a little problem with some of the casting though.

Gerard Butler is too hot to be the Phantom.

Way too hot.

It was like casting had no concept of the story. The Phantom was hideously ugly. So ugly his mother never kissed him or looked upon his face. So ugly that it haunted Christine. Nobody loved the Phantom because he was a distorted gargoyle and that is why he had to live away from society's gaze.

Every actor who had played The Phantom in the musical had 4 hours worth of make done.



Look at Butler here. Loathsome gargoyle indeed... He looks like he had some minor burns, but nothing that couldn't be fixed with some of that Parisian stage make up they would have used in the operas!



The problem with making the Phantom hot is that it gives the character too much sympathy. There will always be sympathy for the Phantom. He had a shitty life and he just wanted to love and be loved. However, the Phantom also was a complete jerk. He took away Christine's freedom and held her prisoner, wanted to force her into marriage, murdered several people in both the novel and musical and used terror to control the staff at the Opera House. He was a selfish man up until the end. Only when Christine showed him pity and compassion, did he change his mind and give her back her freedom, his one unselfish act.

But, many female fans of the movie and the musical felt that Christine should have stayed with the Phantom. Oodles of speculation, fan fiction, fan art and even novels have tried to come to this conclusion. They felt that Christine truly loved the Phantom but clearly they were never paying attention to what was in front of them. It is absolutely illogical. Christine never once proclaimed her love for the Phantom. She appreciated his voice, his ability to write operas and to teach her, but never once did she feel torn in a love triangle. She always wanted to be with Raoul and it was the Phantom that forced her into choosing, only because he threatened to kill him in the musical (in the book, he was going to blow up the entire opera house).

Yet, Phantom of Manhattan, Susan Kay's Phantom and Andrew Lloyd Webber's Love Never Dies, a sequel to POTO go against this logical and insist that not only did Christine love the Phantom, but she had sex with him and had his love child.

Wait, what?

Damn you shippers! Clearly you have convinced enough people that there is a market for your insipid Christine-Phantom fantasy! You deny the logic presented before you!

In order to make C and P work, you have to make Raoul a jerk. So what do they do? They turn the brave hero who was willing to sacrifice his life so that Christine wouldn't be stuck marrying the Phantom and living in the bowels of the Opera House into a gambling drunk. A gambling drunk that Christine had to have cheated on to have her 10 year old son. In Kay's novel, Christine gives birth to a premature child who is actually full term, so Raoul realizes that the child is not his. In Love Never Dies, Christine goes and has sex with the Phantom the night before her wedding. Because this totally fits the character of Christine. Christine, who pledged her love to Raoul, who was willing to give up her freedom to save his life, who wanted him to steal her away so she wouldn't be captive of the Phantom any longer, who was frightened of the Phantom's soulless face, went out of her way to have sex with the Phantom before getting married to Raoul.

/brain explode.


Anyways.

My best friend is a shipper, and I tolerate it. But ugh, it drives me up the wall! I apologize to any other readers if you are shippers, but I have to ask: Why doesn't the audience just accept the writer's choices (I'm looking at you, Zutara shippers!)?

The Tentacle of Dr. Abraxas - or - How I Learned to Love, not Fear FFF

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Christmas Classics You May Have Forgot

Hey there folks

Around this time, I spend time youtubing old Christmas specials that my mom taped off the tv for me. Many times I have recounted these stories to my friends, who look at me cockeyed when I tell them my favourite Santa movie is the one where 'he is raised in a forest by wood nymphs'.

A lot of holiday specials I really enjoy were Rankin-Bass. Rankin-Bass really had it going on in my childhood. Not only did they produce The Last Unicorn, The Flight of Dragons (a often passed over fantasy flick I plan on writing about in the new year), The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings cartoon, they were heavily involved in the holidays. Not just Christmas mind you, as they also produced one of my favourite Easter cartoons too about a stuffed bunny that became the Easter Rabbit (of course, tying in with their Christmas theme, the stuffed bunny was given as a Christmas present from Santa).

Ranking-Bass made the most well known of the holiday specials. I am sure you have all seen:
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Frost the Snowman

But do you remember these?



Puppet based
The Year Without Santa Claus
One year, Santa is sick with a cold and decides to cancel Christmas because he believes that the children don't care anymore. Mrs. Claus sends two elves, Jingle and Jangle, to a southern US town where it never snows to find out why people have stopped caring about Christmas. This movie is famous for its Miser Brothers, two sons of Mother Nature. Most people were reacquainted with this movie when Mister Freeze forces his henchmen to sing the Snow Miser's song in Batman & Robin. Not exactly one of my favourite specials but it is alright.


Rudolph's Shiny New Year
After Christmas, Father Time sends for Rudolph's help to find the missing new year baby who ahs run off because everyone laughs at his unusually large ears. With a clock soldier and a camel with a clock in its hump named Quarter After Five, Rudolph travels to many different islands looking for Happy, the baby new year (oh the puns kill me). Each island belongs to a Year after he retires. My personal favourite is the island belonging to OM (short for One Million BC) who yes, lives on an island of dinosaurs and sings a delightfully happy song about "raining sunshine" which my mom always started sisnging whenever it started raining with the sun out. The movie is a little dopey but it was one of my favourites. Rudolph was always a personal hero of mine. My mom's theme for Christmas decorations for me was reindeer, specifically Rudolph. When I was in daycare (which was at a nursing home), we had to sing a little Christmas concert for the old folks. I think I was about 4 at the time, and I had terrible stage freight. When we started singing Rudolph, I burst into tears and all the daycare supervisors started pointing at me, indicating that I was "Rudolph". My mom used that reasoning to associate me with the character I guess haha. My brother loved snowmen, so he got a lot of Frosty stuff. Anyways - as I was saying, Shiny New Year was one of my favourites because it's slightly weird and not many people remember it.


The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus
A hands down favourite Santa movie of mine. It starts out with the council of Immortals, who must decide that night whether they will grant Santa Claus the mantle of Immortality. This was a big deal for them, as no mortal had ever been given immortality. The Great Ak, the master woodsman who had a hand in the raising of Santa Claus, tells of his life among the forests, raised by a woodland nymph and a lioness. The baby, Claus, is sent out to live with mortals once he becomes a young man. He is joined by a friend, a sound imp who teaches him all languages of man and beast. He becomes well known for making toys and acts of kindness. Ther eis a lot more to this movie and I do not want to give it away at all! Let's just say it was described as a very dark Christmas movie. The best part is it's a novel of the same name by L Frank Baum - the man who wrote the Oz series. This movie is hard to find because it is not on DVD. Apparently it is now, but I question the quality haha. They tried to do a cartoon remake of the story, without the songs and it was terrible.. terrible!!


The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold
I gotta say, this one is pretty bad. It's like they were trying to make a St Patrick's Day Special but decided that they had to throw Christmas in there somewhere. There is nothing Christmasy about this at all. A Banshee needs to have gold given to her before Christmas or she turns into tears. That's all there is about Christmas in this one. View at your own risk.


Nestor The Long Eared Christmas Donkey
A donkey with unusually long ears is made fun of (running theme for these movies) but finds his purpose as the donkey that carries Mary to Bethlehem. This movie used to make me cry, but it really is a tamer version of Disney's Small One (youtube that one if you want to have a misty-eyed night).



Oh hell, Here's Small One too


Frosty and Rudolph's Christmas in July
I haven't seen this one for awhile, but Frosty and Rudolph help a cowgirl (yeah...) have a Christmas circus/rodeo thing in July. You need to have seen Frosty's Winter Wonderland for the story of his wife in this clip.



Little Drummer Boy
A Drumemr Boy and his band of animals in another sad movie. Drummer Boy goes to the Wise Kings to heal his dying sheep. I haven't seen this one for awhile either.



Cartoons
I guess at one point they got tired of using puppets and claymation and did the animation thing. Which was fine by me!

Frosty's Winter Wonderland
The following winter, the kids miss Frosty. As soon as it is winter time again, he comes back and enjoys playing with them. But at night when the kids go home, Frosty is left alone in the snow. The kids decide to make him a wife. Jack Frost, jealous of Frosty's popualrity, tries to thrwart all their plans. Short and goofy, but Paul Frees is the king of voices as usual. Apparently this one still gets shown on ABC during the 25 days of Christmas.



The Stingiest Man in Town
My absolute favourite version of A Christmas Carol (Muppet's Christmas Carol is a close second. A remake of a live action musical done on the Alcoa Hour. This one has so many great voice actors in it (Tom Bosely, Walker Matthau) and I find the songs really catchy. It's hard to find because I guess a lot of stations don't have the rights to it. The whole thing is uploaded on Youtube and you CAN get it on DVD - it's on a Christmas Classics collection. They won't let me embed this one, so here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ykm-nZ6bIoI

Bonus!!

I don't know where this one came from, and it is strange ... I do remember the intro vividly. I don't remember what else happens in this Christmas Special because I can't get myself to part 3.
Candy Claus

SCOOTER'S FRIGHTFUL FIVE: A FEW FLICKS TO HELP YOU ENJOY HALLOWEEN AT HOME

BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!


Scoot here--Happy Halloween, Blessed Samhain, and just to cover the next few days: Happy All Saints Day, and ¡Buen Día De Los Muertos!


Yesterday I was admittedly bitter towards my friends who have the good fortune to be occupied with various social activites and general merry-making tonight. I apologize for this--just because I'm broke and antisocial doesn't mean I should be shitting on those who actually have the courage and put forth the effort to maintain social lives. So, sorry guys!


Anyway, I thought I'd do a favor for my peeps who are in the same boat as me--these are five of my personal favorite creepifying films, any one of them should help cushion the blow of having to spend All Hallow's Eve by your lonesome...

More after the jump.




Scary Scoot






Oh, FYI--these aren't ranked or anything, they're presented in no particular order.


NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD




Let's start off strong. George Romero's 1968 classic essentially defined the zombie genre for the next 40 years.

More than that, it's a wonderful example of  minimalist cinema: Romero made one of the most effective and terrifying films in history with an unknown cast, next to no money, and essentially one set--a great object lesson for those who think horror films are all about ridiculously expensive effects or over the top violence and gore.

Oh, and a nifty little piece of trivia: NOTLD has an interesting place in the history of American race relations--Duane Jones, the film's star, was the first black actor to land a leading role that was not specifically written as black. Oh, there had been dozens of black actors playing leads for years before '68, but before this film, every one of those actors was playing a character written as black. Ben, the character Jones played, could have been any race.


DRACULA (1979)



Above is one of the most terrifying scenes from one of the most underappreciated visions of Bram Stoker's iconic bloodsucker.

Sure, liberties were taken: Mina and Lucy's names were switched, Mina(formerly Lucy) became Van Helsing's daughter, the time period seems to have been advanced a couple of decades(Harker has a car), and to be honest--the film features probably the worst portrayal of Renfield imaginable(that is, prior to Peter MacNichol in Dracula: Dead And Loving It)

But it makes up for these deficiencies with lush cinematography, wonderful settings, and fantastic performances from the likes of Donald Pleasance, Sir Laurence Olivier, and Frank Langella as the Count.

The scene above still scares me as much today as it did more than 20 years ago, and features probably the most terrifying use of the Dutch language in film history.


THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY










I know, that's three movies--but I couldn't bring myself to pick just one.

Evil Dead, like Romero's aforementioned masterpiece, is another minimalist classic--though admittedly a much more violent and bloody one.

And it introduced the world to the phenomenon that is Bruce Motherfucking Campbell!


Evil Dead 2 is a remarkable work of black comedy as well as horror. It also cemented Mr. Campbell as the most awesome person who ever lived(watch the clip--conclusive proof that the only person tough enough to kick Bruce Campbell's ass is Bruce Campbell!)

And Army of Darkness--definitely the most popular of the trilogy, plays like the coolest D&D campaign you could ever be in, and has more quotable moments than any other film not made by Quentin Tarantino or Monty Python.


DRACULA'S DAUGHTER



Milking a popular franchise for every dime it can make is by no means a recent development--Universal whored out Dracula in every way imaginable, producing a number of lackluster sequels often featuring other monsters from the Universal stable.

Dracula's Daughter, however, was different--it was actually really damn good. Not only is it the only sequel based on another Bram Stoker work(this time a short story), it also brought back THE Van Helsing: Edward Van Sloan.

It was also one of the most sympathetic vampire stories of the day--nowadays melodramatic tales of bloodsuckers with hearts of gold are ubiquitous, but in the early days of horror cinema the concept of a vampire that was anything but a villain was practically unheard of. And Gloria Holden's portrayal of the undead protagonist manages to exude a powerful menace while still being basically good, a difficult feat(plus, look at her--she's utterly glorious!).


MANIAC



And we finish with what might be called the "odd man out". There's no zombies, demons, or vampires in this one--and yet it remains one of the creepiest films I've ever seen.

Considered by many to be the world's first slasher film(released in 1934), Dwayne Esper's Maniac is hallucinatory, hard to follow, and weirder than tits on a Bishop(the clip above is a good example of what to expect from the film as a whole).

It uses mental illness as its particular boogeyman, and it handles the subject with all the sensitivity and understanding that Hollywood in the thirties gave Asian and American Indian cultures.

It's pure exploitation and utterly absurd--I LOVE IT!



So--if, like me, you lack the means to celebrate this most awesome of holidays with the grandeur it deserves, at least dig up one of these flicks.

Satan will appreciate the effort! ;)

Smashy Review: Spider-Man 3

Hello! Hello, you sexy devils. I know I've been gone for a while, but I still love you all and if there's anybody I trust to run my empire, it's you guys. I thought I'd celebrate my comeback with another review, this time of a film significantly lower on the Badassometer than Scott Pilgrim. I speak of course, of Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3.


Now, I don't want to jump on the bandwagon and rip this movie to shreds - ahh, hell, of course I do. THIS MOVIE SUCKS MAJOR ASS. As both a movie fan, a comic book fan and a human being I can safely say that this is one movie that actually distresses me, keeps me awake at night, because there are bad movies and then there are movies that COULD have been awesome but, for whatever reasons, aren't. Spider-Man 3 fits into this category perfectly.

First of all I will outline its good points. The fight scenes and special effects are, quite simply, spellbinding and the best I've seen in any comic book movie. The effects on Sandman and the symbiote are brilliant. The acting is, for the most part, good, especially from the man I believe is J Jonah Jameson incarnate: JK Simmons. The Spidey movies have always had great music, and this installment is no exception. And finally, it is extremely funny when it wants to be. Those are the good points. Now.... *clicks fingers* for the bad.












This movie is rife with plot holes. The first is Harry Osborn's transformation. Throughout these movies, the main continuous story arc has been the relationship between Harry Osborn, Mary Jane Watson and Peter Parker. Harry starts as a troubled young man with a crush on MJ, an evil father and a superhero for a best friend. He then becomes a jackass alcoholic businessman, without a crush on Mary Jane, without an evil father and with a superhero for a best friend. By the beginning of the third, he is a supervillain without a crush on Mary Jane, without an evil father and with a superhero for an enemy. Seems plausible enough right? Well, barely ten minutes into the movie he hits his head and gets what I refer to as 'Conveniencenesia', losing all his memory. For the next hour or so he becomes 'old Harry', but instead of turning into the troubled young man with a crush on Mary Jane, he becomes this preposterously nice, goofy, happy character without a care in the world. Seriously, it's so weird. There's a scene when Mary Jane calls him up and he's in the middle of painting some kind of masterpiece. It's just a split second, but it confuses me to no end. Why did a bump on the head make him this way? I am reminded of the Futurama episode where Fry gets worms and becomes a charming, artistic hearthrob, except it makes far less sense than anything Matt Groening has ever dreamt up. Forgive me if I'm wrong about this, but I was under the impression that people who suffer from amnesia generally become depressed, scared and confused individuals, unable to remember key details from their lives, constantly forgetting and misunderstanding things that are common knowledge to their friends and family. But whatever, I'm sure Raimi and co did there homework.

It may well be down to the performance James Franco gives. He's a fine actor and a.... *sigh* a beautiful man, but somebody should have told him to tone it down a little. He's so damn happy, I don't think you seem him frown once during his 'Conveniencenesia' period. That's what's so wrong with this freaking movie, it's full of over the top performances. Ehhhh. Anyway, Harry touches a mirror or something and Willem Defoe's face ZOOOOOMS towards the screen, causing Harry to 'remember. Remember EVERYTHING!!!' He turns evil once again, but now of course he's a DIFFERENT kind of evil from earlier on, this time becoming a scheming, grinning, pie-eatin' pantomime villain rather than a brooding, revenge-seeking, neglected son. Then at the last minute he turns into a generic good guy again. Seriously, Harry Osborn goes through about one hundred different personalities in this trilogy. LET'S COUNT THEM SHALL WE

There's Troubled Harry from Spider-Man 1, then there's Angry Harry from Spider-Man 1, then there's Yuppie Harry from Spider-Man 2, then there's Alcoholic Harry from Spider-Man 2, then there's Vengeful Harry from Spider-Man 2, then there's Goblin Harry from Spider-Man 3, then there's Conveniencenesia Harry from Spider-Man 3, then there's Magnificent Bastard Harry from Spider-Man 3, and then finally 'Awwwwww' Harry from Spider-Man 3. What is that, 8 different Harrys over the course of three movies? Dayum. Look, I realise it's important for characters to develop over a trilogy's story arc, but by the end of it all Harry Osborn is several different people. Ughhh. Let's move on.

Sandman's entire character is completely fucking ridiculous. So we have an escaped burglar with 'bad luck' who has some kind of dying adorable child and a wife who lives in Elwood Blues' apartment 'in the presence of great truth' whatever the fuck that means. He falls into a giant sandpit (you know, the kind that are just lying around in fields with no safety rail or anything all over America) in which some scientists are testing the effects of sand when spun around real fast. They assume he's a bird (you know, one of the many man-shaped birds that occupy America) and start up the experiment. He turns into some.... some kind of.... SAND....MAAAANN!!!!!! but his little necklace thing manages to stay intact, despite being with him the entire time. I guess because it was in his pocket it stayed alright, but then there are scenes when he's floating around as a cloud guy and the necklace thing stays with him.... maybe it was floating with him, I don't know.

He wants to kill Spider-Man, because apparently he won't let Sandman take care of his sick daughter. Rather than, you know, explaining his situation to Spider-Man, a fellow superhuman, and asking for his help, he clumsily destroys a street in an attempted robbery. Smooth.

Now, I like Thomas Haden Church, I do. He seems like a nice guy, but the only movie I've ever liked him in was George of the Jungle, and this is no exception. His entire performance is so weird. He always looks kind of pained and frustrated, like his face is being stretched over his skull. There's a scene in which Spider-Man rips a water pipe apart, the camera zooming sharply in on Sandman's face with each screw that pops out of the pipe. The last time this happens Church sort of does a little face quirk, like he's thinking 'Daww, nuthin ever goes right for me! Guess I'm just a born loser. Here we go again!'. I know I'm shamelessly nitpicking, but I don't care, I'm fresh from watching the DVD and I have been living on Fruitella for the past five days and I feel my brain may be dissolving or something and I needed to get these thoughts off my chest. At the end of the movie, Sandman asks Spider-Man for forgiveness after pounding him into the ground seconds earlier, then floats away to a life of.... uhhh.... floating. His character sucks, and he was never a fantastic villain in the first place. Give me Vulture or Mysterio or Lizard next time, characters you can actually give depth and interest to. Some say without Venom this film would be great, but that's just not true. Sandman is only slightly better a character. Not to mention the fact that he is preposterously shoehorned into the franchise as Uncle Ben's 'real killer' in a pathetic attempt to give him a reason for even being in the fucking movie. EDIT: After watching the end, I find myself wildly cackling at the flashback of Uncle Ben's murder. Sandman just sort of raps on the window and helps the old man out of the car, politely asking if he can borrow the vehicle. He ponders whether or not he should proceed with the robbery and then accidently shoots Ben to death and gives a 'what have I DONE???!!!!' face. I lol'd.
Blleerrrghh, let's move on.

Venom, played by Topher Grace, is perhaps the worst and weirdest fictional antagonist I've ever come across in all my life. A meteorite falls from the sky with no explanation or reason and splurges out a black liquid (the symbiote), which attaches itself to Peter Parker's scooter and lives with him unnoticed for a while. When he's at his lowest, it crawls all over his costume and turns him into Black Suit Spider-Man. Even though later, he's got the black suit and the regular suit seperately in a cupboard, even though the black suit IS the regular suit, just covered with the symbiote, because we see it envelop the regular suit earlier on, except then the symbiote comes off and Spider-Man is completely naked underneath.... um. Anyway. Spider-Man gets rid of the symbiote (after some bizarre dancing, which is not so much funny or rage-inducing as it is baffling) and it plops down onto Eddie Brock's face. Yes, that's right, Spider-Man's parasitic liquid drips onto Eddie Brock's gazing face as Spidey writhes naked above. In a church. Abraxas, feel free to make of this what you will.

Eddie Brock is not evil or crazy, he's just an annoying douche who, for reasons unknown, wants Peter Parker's job. Or IS he meant to be crazy? There are certainly signs of this. He frequently makes weird comments about Gwen, first saying they are dating and later claiming he plans to propose despite them only ever having coffee. He has a complete breakdown after being fired from a job he didn't even have yet and asks GOD to kill someone he screwed over in the first place. However, these don't strike me as the actions of an insane supervillain, more the actions of a complete fuckwit. AAAAAAnyway, Spider-Man's black suit/symbiote/sperm envelops Brock and he turns into Venom, who somehow knows everything about Sandman and Peter and gets Sandman to team up with him in a grand plan to..... humiliate Spider-Man. Not murder or destroy, just humiliate.




Yeah.





Anyway, he is only ever Venom for about five seconds at a time, because every time we get a glimpse of him his spookyface peels back to reveal the oddly fanged Topher Grace (who, once again, is naked under the suit despite being fully clothed when he transformed. Weird) in all his not-at-all-threatening glory. He is incredibly easily defeated by Spider-Man banging poles together around him and making him bug out. He then explodes or something, I don't know (I stopped watching because Hot Fuzz had started on ITV 1 and is the far superior flick). So, that's Venom.

The worst part of this movie is the character of Harry's loyal butler, 'Bernard', who has had about three off screen lines throughout the trilogy until now. He pops up persuading Two-Face - I mean, Harry to turn good again by telling him his father died by his own hand. Gee, Bernard is a great guy. Not only was he fully aware that BOTH the Osborns were murderers and madmen, but he could have saved Harry countless times by telling him how his father died at ANY point in the last few years. Is he fucking CRAZY?! What the HELL were they thinking?! Why didn't they just have GOD appear from the heavens before Harry and tell him what happened? That would have angered me less. This is the worst fucking deus ex machina I have ever seen, and I am shaking with rage as I type this. Good God. Fuckadoodle doo. CuntburgerfucktwatterlycumquatfuckbraintrollsuckingarsewipeANAL JIZZ CLOWNS! WHY THE FUCK DO I BOTHER???!!! THEY COULD HAVE ENDED THIS FUCKING STORY TWO MOVIES AGO! WHY WOULD BERNARD WAIT TILL NOW TO TELL HARRY?!! WHY WOULDN'T HE TELL EVERYBODY STRAIGHT AFTER HE FOUND OUT! WHAT POSSIBLY REASON COULD HE HAVE HAD FOR KEEPING SHTUM? IS HE A FUCKING ASS?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Somebody, please tell me! Tell me how I fix this! How do I calm down! HOW?! HOOOOOOWWWW

This is THE DOCTOR, signing out, deeply sorry for the nonsensical bullshit posing as a movie review, incredibly glad to be back and FUCKING angry about the shitfest that is Spider-Man 3. I am truly apologetic for the above article's shittiness. Goodnight. Now WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FRUITELLA?!

NEW DELHI'S FINEST

Search Amazon.com for bollywood movies


Namaste, readers!



FROM YAHOO! SPORTS:

India will use monkey security force for Commonwealth Games


"When the international sporting event begins next week in New Delhi, organizers will deploy 38 trained langur monkeys to patrol the grounds in an attempt to scare away smaller, stray primates that can roam the streets of Delhi."


"The langurs, which are giant, gray monkeys with black faces, will be on a leash and accompanied by a trainer. They'll be positioned outside various venues and tasked with keeping wild monkeys from causing havoc in and around the Games."

India moves another step closer to wresting the International WTF Cup away from Japan.

Personally, I love the fact they're using the monkeys to protect visitors from other monkeys (how long before they come to their senses, team up with the rogue monkeys, and stage a coup d'etat?)


And since I'm a boorish American smartass who likes to poke fun at foreign countries, I've enlisted the aid of cheezburger.com and created a salute to New Delhi's innovative security procedures:

 
 
Coming to NBC this fall: NDPD Grey
 
 
 
स्कूटर