B Movie Revelations: “Death Race 2000”

Video Games

This is a movie that the boyfriend has been trying to get me to see for a while now. He’d say, “Death Race?” and I’d be like, “Isn’t that some lame action flick?” And then the subject would be dropped.

I did not know what I was missing, friends, and boy am I glad I relented and watched “Death Race 2000” with him last night. Because, while I was thinking of the most recent re-make, he was correctly thinking of the Roger Corman original from 1975.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, could’ve prepared me for Frankenstein. For those of us not in the know, Frankenstein is David Carradine in a gimp suit. With a cape. And a helmet with little metal bolts sticking out of it.

He drives The Monster, a car that looks like something a third grader probably designed to be mean and scary. In the film, Frankenstein is a racing legend, known for wearing a mask and suit to cover up his racing scars, and for having limbs replaced by expert surgeons. (He's also known for his kamikazie fangirls.)

I didn’t know whether to laugh furiously or hide behind the couch, Frankenstein looked so creepy. Then he took off his mask and looked even more terrifying. Because it’s David Carradine’s actual face. (To be fair, he is very young and only at the beginning of a long road towards achieving his later uber-jagged appearance.) Carradine is amazing in this movie. I don’t know if it’s the costume, rubber mask, or the deadpan “super-serious” voice he uses, but I do know that it’s entertainment gold. He even gets his own love interest! (And because this is the 70's, super-gratituous, I mean, gratuitous nudity!)

David Carradine dances with his sexy navigator while wearing his mask, one leather glove and a black Speedo. In an empty hotel room, without music. This scene goes on and on, and manages to be freaky, hilarious and weirdly adorable.

Why does Frankenstein wear one black leather glove? The answer to that question is the best line in the movie, and hell no I’m not spoiling it for you!

You can’t talk about “Death Race 2000” without mentioning Stallone. A very young Sly Stallone plays the role of Machine Gun Joe Viterbo with so much hammy hatred he’s practically Daffy Duck. Machine Gun Joe drives up in his car and starts firing a tommy gun into the audience, yelling furiously. Since this was before Stallone was a well-known name (outside of the odd adult film) I’d like to think this set the precedent for all other roles he’d be playing in his illustrious, incoherent film career.

The premise of the race? Beat your opponents and take out as many civilians as you can in the process. Each death earns you points, babies and old folks being the most valuable point-wise.

Which is why the cars are so awesomely awful.

There’s a car that looks like a bull with horns, a car made to resemble Nero’s chariot, and of course the Buzz Bomb. Next time someone pulls a dick move on the road I just may honk my horn and yell: “Blitzkrieg!”

Stallone’s car has no pretenses or cute themes, just a big fuck-off knife mounted to the hood. Seriously, it’s a giant knife. With which he chases down and gores a fisherman, to the most hilarious music I’ve ever heard.

Who needs anger management when you have Knife Car?

Here’s a trailer for the movie, and the voice-over man sure does make it sound like it’s the biography of The Stig from Top Gear.

For BoredLizzie: I'm Sorry

Mea Culpa Liz!

Hello My Children. Den Mother Colleen here on a lovely Mother's Day Morning. Well for the past week I've been mad busy so I had little time to address a comment that one of my fave gals of TR posted on my "I'm not that Shallow" article. Boredlizzie said she was a bit disappointed that I didn't give descriptions of the females of whom I posted pictures. She had a valid point. The truth was that I was a) emphasizing my shallowness when it comes to the ladies I like and b) I was also really tired when I was finishing the article and just didn't feel like looking up quotes for them.

For You Boredlizzie: Fully clothed images, Character descriptions and quotes of my fave hot babes! And Sorry!

Amanda Tapping of Stargate SG-1, Atlantis, and Sanctuary. In all three shows she plays a brilliant scientist and a total badass. I guess that's her 'thing'. From the first moment she appeared I knew I would adore her for all eternity. And this was before I even realized I liked women in that way. She also can totally snark with the best of them. So here goes the quotes from 3 series:

1) And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside and not the outside, doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle. (Children of the Gods, the first ep of Stargate SG-1)

2) Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress.

3) For the record, I hate you. (To Rodney McKay)

4) Were you this annoying when you ascended? (To Daniel Jackson)

5) Col. Caldwell: Colonel.

Col. Ellis: Colonel.

[They turn to Carter]

Col. Caldwell: Colonel.

Col. Carter: Colonels.

[They turn to Sheppard]

Col. Ellis: Colonel.

Lt. Col. Sheppard: Colonels.

Dr. McKay: [grimacing] Seriously?

I know, that wasn't very snarky from Carter, but I did love this exchange. Very whose on first.

6) Will Z: I profile criminals, not monsters. Magnus: You can't see the irony of that statement?

7) There's an expression among creature hunters, if you could teach a lion English, you still wouldn't be able to understand him.

8) I have standards, Will. Drinking coffee? Well below them.

9) Stop doting on me, it makes my teeth itch.

10) Helen Magnus: Granted, but it wasn’t their choice. They may be rich, spoiled, insolent children, But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t save them.

[Kate and Will look at each other skeptically.]

Helen Magnus: That’s a terrible sales pitch.

11) Tesla: Well, well, well, the appetizers have arrived. Magnus: Well, this is the last time I come to your rescue.

Thank you Amanda for being awesome. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pare down 3 series???

Eliza Dushku, who was totally awesome as Faith in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now she has been in other things, but Faith, in my opinion was her best role. And man she got her bitch on in it...as well as homicidal mania! Not to mention she was the opposite side of Buffy's coin. And I loved her!

1) Always...I could eat a horse. Ain't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?

2) Faith: New Watcher? Buffy & Giles: New Watcher. Faith: Screw that.

3) Wesley: (About Cordelia) My. She's cheeky, isn't she? Faith: Uh, first word: Jail. Second Word, Bait.

4) Faith: [in Buffy's body] 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.

5) (To Buffy) You're protecting vampires now? Are you the bad slayer now? (Pause) Am I thegood slayer now?

6) Buffy: That's one of the bad guys. Faith: You should make 'em wear a sign.

7) Faith: There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. we're not supposed to exist together.

Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.

Faith: Good point. Also a factor.

Buffy: But you're right. I mean like...I guess everyone's alone but, being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

Faith: And no one else can feel it... Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

Buffy: Takes the edge off.

Faith: Comforting.

So Faith in a nutshell. Hot, badass, and funny as hell.

Cote De Pablo as Officer Ziva David in NCIS. Ziva was a Mossad agent that was sent to work with Gibbs's team on NCIS after the murder of Kate in the second season. She's gorgeous, also badass, as in can kill you with a paperclip (I'm starting to see a pattern here :) ) and makes the most awesome errors in English. And she loves to mess with Tony, the "hottie" of the show.

1) Ziva: Ziva David. Mossad. Tony: You're Israeli? Ziva: Very good. The way you made that connection. Mossad, Israeli. (From the moment they MET! Snark)

2) You might want to do something about your hair...its sticking up like a porcuswine...no, that's not the word...a porcu...pig? (Tony looks at her funny) The little animal with the little spikies?!?

3) Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a Kite.

Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.

McGee: She may have had it confused with "go fly a kite."

Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes.

4) Ziva: Where did all these people come from?

Tony: Didn't you see the sign? Its a yard sale day.

Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?

5) Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony. I have been in hundreds of these situations.

Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.

Ziva: I've never had sex with you either -does that make me a virgin?

6) Ziva: They owed me a favor.

McGee: How many people owe you a favor?

Ziva: How many dates does Tony have in a month?

7) Not a ziva quote but does emphasize her badassness:

[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]

Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.

Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.

And there's Ziva. Wouldn't ever want to be on her bad side.

Pauley Perrette as Abby Sciuto also of NCIS. She's the forensics specialist assigned to NCIS. She is a perky Goth, which should be a total oxymoron but she makes it work. She sleeps in a coffin, as a child of deaf parents can speak sign language, addicted to caffeine, dated McGee the most clean cut of the group in Season 1, and Gibbs, he who is mean to everyone, adores her like a

daughter. Oh and she bowls with nuns.

1) Abby Sciuto: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?

Tony: I'll wait.

Abby: There's a futon under the desk.

Tony: Bless you.

Abby: What are you, my priest?

Tony: Curse you?

2) Abby: (while watching film of a terrorist's van) Are we submitting to the Sundance film Festival? Tony: Yes, best terrorist film category.

Abby: Sweet.

3) Perfume is expensive Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.

4) My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.

5) Abby: (admiring Tony's bullet ridden hat) Very cool, where can I get one of these?

6) Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens?

Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?

Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.

Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.

Tony: You have a chastity belt?

Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.

7) McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.

8) Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?

Gibbs: Not a clue.

Abby: Neither do I.

[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]

Abby: Are you going home?

Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.

Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?

Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.

Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.

9) (Having tied up the dude trying to frame Tony) Now can I work alone?

And we have Abby. And she is quirky!

Karen Gillan as Amelia "Amy" Pond in Doctor Who. She's tough, smart, and straightforward. And she is also the only companion that I know of who actually attempted to seduce the Doctor. She and her hubbie, Rory are also utterly cute together.

1) The Doctor: You're Amelia!

Amy: You're late.

The Doctor: Amelia Pond, you're the little girl!

Amy: I'm Amelia and you're late.

The Doctor: What happened?

Amy: Twelve years.

The Doctor: You hit me with a cricket bat!

Amy: Twelve years!

The Doctor: Cricket bat!

Amy: Twelve years and four psychiatrists!

The Doctor: Four?

Amy: I kept biting them.

The Doctor: Why?

Amy: They said you weren't real.

2) (About the space whale) It came because it couldn't stand to watch your children cry. What if you were really old, and really kind and alone? Your whole race is dead, no future. What couldn't you do then? If you were that old, that kind, and the very last of your kind...you couldn't just stand there and watch children cry.

3) Amy: Hey, look at this. I got my spaceship, I got my boys... my work here is done. [struts into the TARDIS, head held high]

Rory: [scoffs] We are not her "boys."

The Doctor: [beat] Yeah, we are.

Rory: Yeah, we are.

4) The Doctor: This is bad, I don't like this. [kicks console and yells in pain] Never use force, you just embarrass yourself. Unless you're cross, in which case... always use force !

Amy: Shall I run and get the manual?

The Doctor: I threw it in a supernova.

Amy: You threw the manual in a supernova? Why?

The Doctor: Because I disagreed with it! Now stop talking to me when I'm cross!

5) Amy: [After Rory disintegrates] Save him. You save everybody. You always do. It's what you do.

The Doctor: Not always. I'm sorry.

Amy: Then what is the point of you?

6) [Amy awakens in a confined box with a glass lid.]

Amy Pond: Let me out. Can anyone here me?! I'm alive in here! Let me out! I know you're out there. My name is Amy Pond and you better get me the hell out of here or, so help me, I'm gonna kick your backside!

[A Silurian appears on the other side of the glass lid.]

Silurian: Shhhh...

Amy Pond: Did you just shush me? Did you just shush ME?!

7) The Doctor: [talking to Amy in the TARDIS using a communicator] Now all I've got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong?

Amy: Have you seen you?

The Doctor: So you're just going to be snide? No helpful hints?

Amy: Hmm, well, here's one: Bowtie - get rid!

The Doctor: Bowties... are... cool.

Amy...always awesome!

Anyway, I'm not gonna bother with Amia Moretti. She truly is pure eye candy and she's also in porn, so there is NEVER good dialog. But she's adorable and VERY enthusiastic and looks like she is one of those who genuinely enjoys her job. And that's why I so enjoy watching her, umm, enjoy herself. :P

So Liz, I hope that makes up for the discrepancy in my previous post!

The Journey of Finding a Hero in Comics

When I was but a wee Lizzie, embroiled in that awkward, ugly and intense period of life known as puberty, I fell in love with comic books.

This was a very stupid, stupid thing for me to do.

My ill-advised love blossomed after reading Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud. I discovered that comics had all the ingredients I liked: fantasy, science fiction, bizarre adventures, crazy costumes, and super powers.

Except one thing was wrong, one thing was out of place:



The women.



What the hell was up with the women?

Angela, Lady Death, Vampirella and Marvel Swimsuit Edition? Really? But I could overlook these, as long as there was a cool character out there for me.

Sure, I discovered some great superhero teams (my love for the X-Men ran deep, and great was my glee when I discovered the delicious magical crack of Claremont’s “Excalibur”) but I wanted a solo lady whom I could hero-worship.

One of the books I remember picking up was “Silver Sable.” There’s a solo lady! She’s a mercenary, too; badass! A few pages into the comic she’s naked and having sex with some guy. Throughout the book she’s shown posing in lingerie for no reason. It’s like if a boy went looking for Batman, opened a comic, and there’s Bruce posing kittenishly in a thong. Why? Just, why?



Feeling embarrassed and kinda cheated, I put the book back. A lot of different comics with “lady heroes” were put back that day. Superhero teams seemed to work better for me. I followed “Generation X” with gusto until the art started to royally suck and the entire Marvel universe got retconned. (Bite my jiggly ass, “Generation NeXt.”)

After a while, I gave up my search.

Ten comic-less years later I’m all grown up and stuff. A Comics Renaissance happens after someone lends me Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. Maybe not all comics will break my heart?

One summer, while walking down a sunlit block of shops, I notice a store with a shelf of used books in front. A big graphic novel stands out from the rest. I pick it up, begin to read, and there she is. My hero. The gal of my dreams; the one I’d been looking so hard for all those years ago and never found.



Halo Jones.

The Ballad of Halo Jones is a science fiction epic. The story is quality, and the main character just happens to be a lady. She has no special powers and doesn’t constantly thrust out her hips and chest. Alan Moore wanted a normal-looking character “as you might find standing in front of you while queuing for the check-out at Tesco’s.” I was a little surprised that Moore had created my hero, as I usually don’t think much of his women characters.

But then, here’s Halo. She lives on the Hoop, the outer rim of scum and villainy floating around future Manhattan. When her loved ones are killed, Halo leaves Earth to work as a hostess on a luxury spaceship, becomes unwittingly involved in shady political doings, and eventually ends up a soldier in a brutal interplanetary war.

An important part of this story is how Halo finds her freedom by walking away from the romantic interest. Countless women are defined by their relationships with men, in comics and all other media. The woman sacrifices everything for her man because life is worthless without Mr. True Love Dude. (Not naming any specific sparkling Byronesque guys here.) Many little girls grow up thinking that "true love" will the most important part of their lives, so hold on to that man, even if it's miserable, even if he leaves bruises every so often. We need more gals like Halo who are not afraid to walk away from romance to preserve personal integrity.



The Ballad of Halo Jones isn’t perfect, to be fair. It plunges the reader into a strange world without context, so you have to be a bit patient with the characters and their future-slang until further along when some world details are explained. The art looks a bit dated now, very late-80’s-early-90’s, but this actually appeals to me.

On the back of the graphic novel there’s a quote that describes Halo Jones as “Possibly the first feminist heroine in comics.” I think what it means to say is, “Here is an epic story with a woman protagonist in comics, at last. Sorry it took so long!”

So who's your hero, comic book or otherwise? How did you finder her, or him?

And on a sillier note, how awesome is Kate Beaton's "Sexy Batman?"

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF SCOOTER'S DIVAS: Boredlizzie Kicks Ass!

Video Games

'ello


Once again I show off my questionable skills at the dubious art of "Divolution", that is, making WWE Divas on the PS3 for the game Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 (and now, 2011) out of my friends and readers.

Todays victim: TTOS contributor Boredlizzie! Let's take a quick look at "un-Divolved" Lizzie for reference:

Adorable, yes? AND a fellow Topless Robot t-shirt winner, which means this lovely photo shall be enshrined for all time in the TTOS "We Are The Champions" gallery (just check the page list on the left sidebar)


So, now that we've all met Lizzie, join me after the jump, and get to know her ass-kicking, name-taking doppleganger.




Mr. Atreides


We start with my attempt at a Steampunk ensemble. Unfortunately, what I ended up with using the clothing and accessory options available more closely resembles a biker or a rather funky airplane pilot. This is the Entrance Attire:

And this is the Ring Attire:

Next, Lizzie wanted me to take a stab at the DC Comics heroine Zatanna...While I couldn't be exact, I think I did a fair job capturing the basic "sexy magician" look. (the glasses were my idea, btw)

ENTRANCE:

RING:

Next we have an ensemble of my own design. I call it simply: "Fallen". The concept is what would you have if an Angel was being corrupted into a Demon--but somehow stopped halfway there? As far as original costumes go, this is one of my favorites.

Also: Black halos are cool!

And for the grand finale: Lizzie asked me to attempt to style her Diva in the manner of the magnificent Dr. Harleen Quinzel...That's right--Harley Quinn!

Fortunately, the version of Harley she requested was the one from the Arkham Asylum video game--I couldn't have done a thing with the traditional Jester's outfit ensemble.

Anyway, I thought she came out ok--Unfortunately, the game wouldn't allow me to make her boots red and blue. I had to pick one.

Breaking: Something is Awesome on the Internet

Ever fall in love with something you've discovered online? Not just any old thing, but something that couldn't exist properly without the Internet? Such as, oh, say, a webcomic.

Is there a webcomic out there you enjoy?

Then you may understand a fraction of the love that I feel now for Romantically Apocalyptic.

Granted, I only just discovered it today via Comics Alliance, but I know that not all y'all read comics or go to such sites, and you must know about this webcomic. PEOPLE MUST BE TOLD.

Why?

Well, it looks like this:





(Elements of Fallout and Dune? Well, elements of Fuck and YES!)

The gentleman in the gas mask is Zee Captain, who lives in a dreary post-apocalyptic landscape infested with mutants, giant worms, and lemonade-worshipping cult members. He has a companion/sidekick, also in a gas mask, whom he torments but is really super-duper buddies with. I don't want to say too much lest I spoil things, but the comic is as hilarious as the landscape is beautifully dark and bleak. I love the splashes of vibrant reds, yellows and greens here and there. SIGH. IT IS LOVE. <3

This drool-worthy art and story comes to us via Vitaly S. Alexius, digital artist, designer, and illustrator extraordinaire. (That's right, I'm busting out the French for this one. Because he's worth it.)

Honestly, the only bad thing about it is that it has a pronoun in its title. And I'll forgive it that as long as it keeps being amazing.

Zee Captain's Facebook (for funsies)

Now that I have gushed, maybe I can sleep! Ha ha. I say funny thing.

I want Benedict Cumberbatch...as Sherlock anyway

Meet my new obsession...

Hello My Children. Very pleased Den Mother Colleen here. Happy New Year to you all. So the husband won the TR contest for lamest Sherlock Holmes titles...and as a result I now own the first season of "Sherlock" and Doctor Who Series 5...I was originally more excited about getting the newest season of Doctor Who. Cuz it was fucking awesome! But then I watched the first 2 of the 3 episodes of Sherlock...and have discovered my newest obession... Benedict Cumberbatch...

Oh. My. Goddess. Boredlizzie was SO right about this actor. She described his voice as Alan Rickman-like...well it is, at least as being bloody sexy as all hell. I don't know much about the actor himself but the character he plays, though admittedly a bit goofy looking, could totally melt the panties off any woman he wants. Of course, this is pending on whether he wants women...and it has been suggested in the first episode that he may very well be gay.

Thus far I liked how they updated the charcter into the 21st century. There is the requisite 2 second observation and then knowing fucking everything about you, which goes hand-in-hand with Sherlock Holmes. But in addition, he loves using text messaging. Rather than injecting himself with cocaine, (his 2% solution, to quote the great Doyle) he uses nicotine patches, 3 of them, to help him think. Finally, he has described himself as, I quote, a high-functioning sociopath, which is a bit redundant because all sociopaths are high-functioning. That's what makes sociopaths so fucking terrifying. They are intelligent as all hell. I am going to assume that it means that he is aware of his condition and is aware that killing people is frowned upon. However, one police officer believes that its only a matter of time before the thrill of catching criminals will wear thin and Holmes will start killing.

Dr. John Watson, played by Martin Freeman is also awesome. Sometime soon I will do an entire review on the new series. So that is all for now! I'm gonna go finish watching the series now. Good Day to you All!

And speaking of gay...here's a great clip!

Yeah...I don't know what universe Molly lives in but her "boyfriend" is SO gay...

Top 9 Disturbingly Kinky Villains of Sci-Fi, Fantasy & Horror

Us Superfriends know that science fiction, fantasy, and horror have the best and weirdest villains. When you are dealing with a strange, futuristic, or supernatural setting, a normal mustache twirling bad guy just doesn’t cut it. How do you make a villain extra super duper creepy? Hollywood ’s answer: Make `em sexual deviants! Or at least give her/him creepy, sexualized behavior and a leather outfit to match.

These villains usually come equipped with a collection of torture instruments that would make the Spanish Inquisition jealous. Some of them are creepy sexy, some simply disgusting. You're never quite sure if they want under your skin or into your pants. These Disturbingly Kinky Villains love to dish out pain and, sometimes, take it with perverted glee. Underground dungeons are a must, unless one dwells on a spaceship, alternate hell dimension, or is a powerful tyrant with carte blanche to do as s/he pleases. Whoever these villains are, whatever their motivation, “Safe, sane, and consensual” is not in their vocabulary.

9. Drusilla & Spike, “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”

Psychopaths Prefer Blondes

Talk about a match made in crazy sadist heaven! These two definitely get off on playing with their food and tormenting their victims. They have a bizarre, dysfunctional relationship that you can bet is kinky as hell. At one point Spike vows to torture Drusilla until she loves him again. Dru brings out the worst in Spike, and we love to watch that happen.

Spike is her “bad dog.” Heel, boy!

8. Voldo, “Soul Caliber” Series

Long before FFF, Voldo was a creepy bastard. While not strictly a villain, it is obvious that this guy was designed to evoke disturbing feelings. Blind and speechless, Voldo contorts and cuts people up, all while rocking a fancy thong/codpiece combo. There is a move in which he leaps through the air, wraps his legs around you, hisses in your face, and stabs you. He’s basically a gimp who can fight, move like liquid and bend his body into circles and knots. The real question is: what time does he get off work?

Voldo: "Hiss hiss ssshh shhssssh hiss!"

Translation:"Didn't wanna be a tough guy. I wanted to be a dancer!"

What's that? You say you want a link to 2 Voldos dancing in rhythm to music, and all the insanity that that implies? No?? TOO BAD HERE IT IS! Sleep tight, kids!

7. Sharaz Jek, "Doctor Who"

"The Caves of Androzani"

(starring the awesome Peter Davison as the 5th Doctor)

"Who the fuck IS this guy??"

Old “Doctor Who” episodes never cease to amaze me. Sharaz Jek has the whole “Phantom of the Opera” angst going for him as a disfigured genius living in isolation. Well, there are his robot minions, but it is obvious when he kidnaps the Doctor and Peri that he has been starved for human contact. Peri is “So beautiful, sooo beautiful!” ::drool, hiss, drool, grope:: He wears a black and white leather mask, and apparently thought it best to coordinate with a very tight black leather suit. (Doesn’t hurt that he was played by Christopher Gable, who had a great dancer's physique.) Despite his lecherous behavior, I defy you not to feel a little sympathy for his character at the very end.

Sharaz Jek is a creeping, creepy creeper who creepily creeps.

6. Illyria, “Angel”

You should see her with the tentacles . . .

Superfriend Colleen brought to my attention this leather sporting, resurrected elder god. One of her favorite pastimes is beating up Spike, and she would like to keep him as a pet. (Honestly, folks, who here wouldn’t?) Training Spike, er, training with Spike, is an activity that helps take the edge off Illyria’s need for violence. Bonus Disturbing Points for walking around in the skin of Wesley’s loved one, Fred, tormenting him and exploiting his desire to be with her. (Poor Fred!)

The Training of "S"

5. Count Rugen The Six Fingered Man, “The Princess Bride”

"Soooo, you live around here much?"

Quote From imdb.com: "Beautiful isn't it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. Presently I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how the machine makes you feel."

Ever the coward, Rugen hides his perversion under the veneer of studying pain "for posterity." Uh huh. You can’t fool us with your academic pretenses and stoic demeanor, Count Rugen. We all know you torture Wesley because you like it. It makes you happy. In your pants.

Typical Saturday Night for Count Rugen: Carefully studying & torturing blond, shirtless, well-muscled men.

4. Scorpius, “Farscape”

Scorpius achieves extra kinky mileage by use of the "chin thong."

Ooh, boy. Where do we start with Scorpius? The fact that his “coolant suit” happens to perfectly resemble something you’d see at the Folsom Street Leather Fair in San Francisco? That he forcefully, ecstatically shoves cooling rods into his head to stave off delirium? His memory extracting mind fuck chair? Or that we’ve seen him practically have a bondage picnic with his romantic interest, Sikozu? Of course there's much more than that to Scorpius; he's a complex, calculating villain. Who just happens to be freaky deaky in a big way.

That's right, Scorpius wants to watch. In fact, he could be watching you . . . right now . . .

3. Adelei Niska, “Firefly”

"The Train Job"

"War Stories"

"And for my next project I will sew Mal, Jayne, and Simon together to create a 'Human Firefly!' What? It's not sick, Shan Yu wrote all about it, you ignorant Philistine!"

What can one say about Niska but “Brrrrrr!” Joss Whedon certainly loves sadistic bastards with a tendency to wax philosophical. (Remember Erly? Just what was UP with that guy?) Like our pal Count Rugen, Niska has a supposed intellectual interest in torture, but it’s apparent that causing pain and suffering gives Niska pleasure in the depths of his very soul. The scenes with Niska are the most brutal of the series, up until the movie “Serenity,” that is.

“You died, Mr. Reynolds . . . When you die, I can't hurt you any more. And I want two days at least, minimum."

2. Baron Harkonnen, Dune

Baron Harkonnen: proof that some gingers do not, in fact, have souls.

Vladimir Harkonnen has quite the mélange of nasty habits. ::ducks tomatoes:: Gleeful torture and murder of prisoners? Check. Sadistic treatment of young (too young!) male slaves? Check. Necrophilia? Doubleplusnasty check! This guy’s idea of a good time is to watch while his nephew murders sex slaves. Thank Muad’Dib that Alia was there with her Gom Jabbar to pop him like a balloon full of rancid pork in the end. I just read that the Baron’s corpulence is the result of an STD as well. Dude, could you get anymore disgusting?

1. Pinhead & His Cenobites

“Hellraiser” and Many Unfortunate Sequels

"Sooo . . . heard you guys summoned some hell demons, eh? Who's up for torture?!"

It’s hard to pick just one to top this list, but few have achieved such iconic kinky status as Pinhead. The black leather, bits of exposed flesh, and lovingly displayed mortal wounds make Pinhead and his crew stand out from other villains. Sure, they’re as evil and murderous as all the others . . . but they just enjoy it so damn much! In fact, they have no other motivation: torture is their goal, not a means to any other end.They don't want information, more power, or to rule the world. They just want to do stuff to you. All kinds of stuff with hooks and chains. “No tears, please! It’s a waste of good suffering!”

Still not convinced? Watch the video below.

It's the wallet that says: "Black Pope of Hell" on it!

There were a lot of characters I considered for this list but didn’t make it because their identities as villains are too defined by their, well, rapey fictional deeds: Mr. Gone, Yellow Bastard, Pyramid Head, Deathstroke the Terminator, Typhoid Mary, and many more. Any kinky bastards you can think of that I left off? Put `em in the comments, but please keep `em on a short leash.

The safeword is “Abraxas!”